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a continuation of the previous blogs....
Since
we’ve been on the subject of wineskins… Did you know that water depravation is
actually crucial for a wine grape to grow well?
That’s right, in order for a grapevine to produce good and robust fruit
that is preferable for wine, it must go without its most precious resource for
a while – water. Specifically for
red wines, mild water-stress is critical
in reducing berry size and making the vine switch from growth mode (more shoots
and vines) to reproduction mode (more concentration, color, and flavor).
So to continue on in this "desert-journey" story, in a
very real sense, God was water-stressing my soul. On the outside, I looked a bit normal and
mundane. It seemed nothing was
happening. But in reality something on a
“microscopic-soul” level was changing.
It was all in response to God’s quiet, still, and at times, seemingly
dismissive presence. I strained toward
him much like a grapevine may strain under the soil for water. Sure I was angry
but desperation drove me to run after him in new ways…even if it meant shaking
my fist at him along the way.
God
was teaching me to hear his voice, to lean in and listen carefully. There were so many other loud voices that
distinguishing his whisper above the crowds holler was near impossible! (John chapter 10) “Shh…be still.” He seemed to say. Now I have to admit I did not respond well to
his initial attempt at an intimate encounter.
“Don’t ‘shush’ me!” My soul
seemed to say. “SHOW UP!” I often hollered in response. Even in the strain of my wearisome demand,
God was working. This discontented sheep was learning to hear her Shepherd's voice. He was accompanying me as the false-fires of my heart began to extinguish. Some of those false-fires did not go out easily. Like my preoccupation with wanting people to like me in order to feel valuable. I think I had learned to search for God's voice through the dependency of others opinions. That was a tough one and I still have to catch the upstarts on occasion...but we will talk more about false-fires another time. Suffice it to say, God was teaching me through the pain of gossip and slander that while those words hurt, they have no power to define me. Only my Redeemer can do that. I am his beloved and so are you!
Sitting
in the pain of hurt and disappointment with others and with God was
paradoxically scary and life-giving all at once. I prayerfully brought my hurting heart to
a God that I was not sure would even show up. I didn't know what to expect and I was surprised to find Him
there. As 2 Samuel 22 says, “My cry brought
me right into his presence ...and I found myself safe, surprised to be love.” Something about this paradoxical season was
changing me. In the deeper recesses of my being, I was learning to believe
God-even when he showed little sign of
himself. Hebrews speaks of angels
fanning the flame of God’s servants and I think there were angels faithfully
fanning the soul-flame in me as I lingered between frequent, bitter despair and
occasioned hope. One morning during
worship at church I was sitting silent as people sang. (It was lent and fasting from singing seemed
appropriate since my personal theme seemed to be ‘silence’ that year. And
frankly, I didn’t feel like singing much) So I sat as the worship team sang
“Still”
“Find Rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and
thunders roar
I will soar with you above
the storm…
…Father you are the King over
the flood
I will be still and know you
are God”
And
somewhere, Somehow, I was changing. I was moving from being someone who had to outwardly
produce visible growth (shoots and leaves) to something different…God was
building in me the quiet trust that was needed for robust flavor, intense
color, and “living water” concentration-type fruit. Fruit that could one day offer to the world… a
drink.
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