A Reluctant Worshipper

The other day I stopped to do something I assumed I had been doing for years.  The idea came from a school assignment in which we were asked to offer up a prayer to God.  In the assignment we were encouraged to only speak of our love for God, to avoid bringing up any requests or concerns…just love and praise (Remember, this was just an experiment, Phil. 4 is clear about bringing our requests to God.)  Since this was an experiment, I thought, surely it will be an easy assignment.  

 I was surprised to find it difficult to express any love for God that didn’t feel contrived.  I tried talking to Him from several points of view, but no luck.  It was easy to come with my requests or frustrations, and of course my heart was all in it!  But that was NOT the assignment.  SO...Setting those things aside, while I could profess a contrived love for Him, my heart could not engage it.  Telling God sincerely that I loved Him was just plain hard.   But why? This is a God I KNEW to be so incredibly loving? One thing became glaringly obvious.  While we can use will power to DO something, it’s impossible to will ourselves to FEEL something, and I knew God was reading right through me; which made the whole thing seem all the more insincere.   

After giving the matter some thought, I had to admit that part of me had become unfamiliar with God’s love and I didn’t trust it.  I have been busy doing so many things, that I hadn’t made much time for God and I fell out of a routine of meditating on His love.  When we fall out of a routine of meditating on the love of God we forget that He is good.  As the old hymn says, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it!  Prone the leave the God I love.”  

So as I tried to confess love for God, another part of me was at the ready, cancelling  out the confession with a quick rebuttal.  It was a real Jekyll and Hyde experience which went something like this:

“The train of your robe, Lord, fills the temple with glory.” I professed out of one side of my mouth.

Then from the other side came, “Really? I’ve grown weary of waiting on you, Lord.  If you are really GOD, then can you not make SOMETHING go right? I’m tired of empty promises.”  

And back and forth it would go.  Clearly I needed a reminder of what His love actually looked like, so I went to scripture (Ps 36:5-9).

Living Translation : “Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your justice is as solid as God’s mountains. Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water. You are concerned for men and animals alike. How precious is your constant love, O God! All humanity takes refuge in the shadow of your wings. You feed them with blessings from your own table and let them drink from your rivers of delight.  For you are the Fountain of life; our light is from your light.”

The Message:

God’s love is meteoric,
    his loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
    his verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness
    nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse,
    slips through the cracks.

^7-9 How exquisite your love, O God!
    How eager we are to run under your wings,
To eat our fill at the banquet you spread
    as you fill our tankards with Eden spring water.
You’re a fountain of cascading light,
    and you open our eyes to light.

As surprised as I was to find it difficult to express love to God in the beginning, I was equally, if not more surprised to find how the Living Word (the Bible) could reveal to this weary child the Living Word (His presence).  As I John says, We love because He first loved us. God’s Spirit used The Word to unlock my heart, which had become closed off and shut tight to His love.  Rather than cynical Jekyll and Hyde banter, I found myself in a much more life-giving conversation.  One that could genuinely express LOVE.

“’In His largeness nothing gets lost.’ – Nothing God? Are you sure?  Oh Hallelujah! Nothing is lost!  Not these years of ministry, not my son as he’s away at school, Not …(so many things!)  Nothing slips through the cracks -  Hallelujah you are attentive to it all!

Your wings God?  Are they indeed so big that we run under them like children playing freely on your beautiful playground? 

On and on it went for a while as I decompressed all that had been stored up.  He, as the fountain of cascading light, ushered me out of the dark and began to open my eyes to light.

It was a good assignment.  One I think I might just go back to once-in-a-while.