A Reluctant Worshipper

The other day I stopped to do something I assumed I had been doing for years.  The idea came from a school assignment in which we were asked to offer up a prayer to God.  In the assignment we were encouraged to only speak of our love for God, to avoid bringing up any requests or concerns…just love and praise (Remember, this was just an experiment, Phil. 4 is clear about bringing our requests to God.)  Since this was an experiment, I thought, surely it will be an easy assignment.  

 I was surprised to find it difficult to express any love for God that didn’t feel contrived.  I tried talking to Him from several points of view, but no luck.  It was easy to come with my requests or frustrations, and of course my heart was all in it!  But that was NOT the assignment.  SO...Setting those things aside, while I could profess a contrived love for Him, my heart could not engage it.  Telling God sincerely that I loved Him was just plain hard.   But why? This is a God I KNEW to be so incredibly loving? One thing became glaringly obvious.  While we can use will power to DO something, it’s impossible to will ourselves to FEEL something, and I knew God was reading right through me; which made the whole thing seem all the more insincere.   

After giving the matter some thought, I had to admit that part of me had become unfamiliar with God’s love and I didn’t trust it.  I have been busy doing so many things, that I hadn’t made much time for God and I fell out of a routine of meditating on His love.  When we fall out of a routine of meditating on the love of God we forget that He is good.  As the old hymn says, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it!  Prone the leave the God I love.”  

So as I tried to confess love for God, another part of me was at the ready, cancelling  out the confession with a quick rebuttal.  It was a real Jekyll and Hyde experience which went something like this:

“The train of your robe, Lord, fills the temple with glory.” I professed out of one side of my mouth.

Then from the other side came, “Really? I’ve grown weary of waiting on you, Lord.  If you are really GOD, then can you not make SOMETHING go right? I’m tired of empty promises.”  

And back and forth it would go.  Clearly I needed a reminder of what His love actually looked like, so I went to scripture (Ps 36:5-9).

Living Translation : “Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your justice is as solid as God’s mountains. Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water. You are concerned for men and animals alike. How precious is your constant love, O God! All humanity takes refuge in the shadow of your wings. You feed them with blessings from your own table and let them drink from your rivers of delight.  For you are the Fountain of life; our light is from your light.”

The Message:

God’s love is meteoric,
    his loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
    his verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness
    nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse,
    slips through the cracks.

^7-9 How exquisite your love, O God!
    How eager we are to run under your wings,
To eat our fill at the banquet you spread
    as you fill our tankards with Eden spring water.
You’re a fountain of cascading light,
    and you open our eyes to light.

As surprised as I was to find it difficult to express love to God in the beginning, I was equally, if not more surprised to find how the Living Word (the Bible) could reveal to this weary child the Living Word (His presence).  As I John says, We love because He first loved us. God’s Spirit used The Word to unlock my heart, which had become closed off and shut tight to His love.  Rather than cynical Jekyll and Hyde banter, I found myself in a much more life-giving conversation.  One that could genuinely express LOVE.

“’In His largeness nothing gets lost.’ – Nothing God? Are you sure?  Oh Hallelujah! Nothing is lost!  Not these years of ministry, not my son as he’s away at school, Not …(so many things!)  Nothing slips through the cracks -  Hallelujah you are attentive to it all!

Your wings God?  Are they indeed so big that we run under them like children playing freely on your beautiful playground? 

On and on it went for a while as I decompressed all that had been stored up.  He, as the fountain of cascading light, ushered me out of the dark and began to open my eyes to light.

It was a good assignment.  One I think I might just go back to once-in-a-while.

Poverty of the Mind

There's something I've been thinking about lately and it has caused me to reconsider my perspective on the way in which I approach how I live my life day to day.  To explain what I mean I need to give a little background. 


While taking a trip recently to an area of the world where poverty runs rampant and there has been extensive efforts towards relief and development, I was struck but a conversation my husband shared with one of the development workers.  She mentioned that even though many of the people she works with now have jobs and could readily leave the slum life, many  have remained there and seem to instinctively choose to live in cardboard houses, sleep on dirt floors alongside steams of sewage, and rarely set foot outside the despairing reality in which they live – many don’t seem to fully understand what is available to them. They’ve been given the resources and now come home at the end of the day having earned wages tucked neatly in their back pocket, but they do not know how to make use of it. 

 

I found myself asking, "Then what's the point of it?" She then made a distinction between economic poverty and emotional poverty.  What they were learning is that it is much easier to transition them out of economic poverty because it involves dealing with issues that are more concrete, like skill building and the marketing of goods and trades. These are things they can engage and grow in.  However, helping them shift their thinking from one of scarcity to one of resource or abundance is much more difficult and will take longer.   

On top of that, even though many had the resources to leave the slum and find a different kind of life, most not only didn’t do it, but also took to guarding the slum’s boundaries so that even those who wanted to help could not get in.  They were held captive by the poverty of their mind because they did not have a vision for anything different.

Now here's where some ponderings come in to play.  I wonder if we do not have a similar perspective to those in the slums.  Figuratively speaking we have built our spiritual internal home in ways that can reflect an internal slum and we find ourselves impoverished.  At some point we have been introduced to God and have taken on some of the “skills” by way of Bible study, church attendance, etc…these are the concrete ideas that were easy for us to embrace early on and they are indeed the necessary place to begin and thereby grow – as was skill building and job acquiring for those in the slum.  But I wonder if we have stopped there? 

 

It seems we have resources but don’t really know how to use them and so we return to a "slum-way" of living.  For example, we have learned from studying our Bible that in our anger we ought not sin, and yet we may be accustom to “heart-sewage” in the form of yelling to get our point across.  We have had plenty of devotionals or heard motivational Christian speakers talk about the pain of slander yet we can often turn to gossiping to sooth our insecurity.  We know that we are uniquely created in God's image, chosen and dearly loved, but we may find ourselves accepting on-going mistreatment from someone and we allow that mistreatment to define us.  We have heard from the very beginning that there is a "God-shaped hole in our heart that only he can fill"  yet we set aside our self-worth in order to be “loved” by someone else and it never satisfies….The list is can go on - right?   The truth of it is, we want to move forward but sometimes we can't, and instead we return to the slums and find ourselves caught in a cycle of sin from which we cannot break free.  On top of that, we often guard the door of our internal soul-slum space while our own fear and pride/shame keep others at arms length and prevent anyone from really getting in and bringing help - including God. 


Sometimes (Now don't shoot me here) we are held captive by the poverty of our mind and we simply lack the vision for anything different.  Just like there was a good life just across town, outside the slums for so many in those impoverished areas; there is a rich, abundant, beautiful life in our midst as well.  Living in the ongoing presence of God's love and participating in HIs Kingdom as a child of the King is what we are made for.  It is life outside of the slums and it begins now...right here...


....But how do we get there? 



This is part one of a two -part post...tune in next time for thoughts on how we can begin to grow a vision for living outside the slum.

 

Sticks In the Ground

(This post is a continuation to the post from January 1, 2014) 
...When a rose bush has been pruned it is not much prettier than before the pruning began.  The stems are appropriately trimmed or removed, but it still looks like a bunch of dead branches set in the ground.  Nutrients have been worked into the soil for good systemic growth but blooms and foliage have yet to appear.  Pruning is something a gardener does for a future bloom – a future beauty and harvest.

I noticed as I read through the previous blog that after pruning I skipped straight to the beauty that’s found in the bloom.  Isn't that what we often want to do - skip past what is difficult or unlovely?  However, as I walked back outside and noticed the roses along our front walk, I could not deny the fact that they were still just a few sticks popping up from the ground with no real apparent beauty. They were still dormant and without the welcome of soft blooms, they could still prick an unsuspecting-someone as they walked by.

That is the picture of a pruned heart.  There’s no visible evidence of the work that has been done except for the thorny sticks in the ground.  It’s quiet and unadorned.  At times when others come close our thorny places still impose unexpected pain because we are not yet ready to extend a soft welcome and let them in.  We wait, like the rose…

...Under the ground, where no one can see, there is work being done.  There is a private fellowship with the Trinity where systemically, God is pouring nutrients into the soil of our heart as we let ourselves stay “dormant” and close to Him.  It happens as we place ourself before his word and hold it as a light unto our feet.  It comes alive as we sit silently before him inviting his presence to come near.  It becomes active when we discipline our steps toward his love in and through us.  And it comes tangibly as we let others share the winter with us among the thorns. 

The sight of the sticks in the ground outside of my front door is a visual reminder that just sticks in the ground are OK for a while.  I needn’t hurry the blooms…


How are you, like me, tempted to hurry the blooms?

Where are the thorny places in you that may bring accidental pain?

How are you engaging God's word in the process?

What feels vulnerable as you consider letting others and God in?

How are you letting God and other's in, even when it means being a bit "thorny"?

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide: In every change, He faithful will remain.  Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy Heavenly friend...
...Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

Surrendering to the Shears... a New Years Resolution

(I actually wrote this yesterday and thought I'd wait to post it but a conversation this morning has reminded again of some needed "pruning".)

This Morning I was greeted by three thorny, intrusive rose bushes.  They line the walkway to our front door and have grown quite gangly as they’ve been left unattended. So earlier this afternoon I grabbed my pruning shears and set out to do a little pruning.  I was struck by how overgrown they’d become. They hardly looked like roses at all and weren't their beautiful selves for sure!  Some stems had to be clipped in excess of 4 feet! 

Pruning is one of those things I avoid like the plague but once out there I find myself in conversation with God and I wonder why I would ever procrastinate such sweet encounters. Maybe it’s the mess and prickly thorns that I don’t like.  Maybe it’s simply inconvenient and I don’t want to be bothered or interrupted.   Maybe I don’t readily see the value that pruning brings.  Maybe it’s all three.  Well, like it or not, pruning must occur for roses to be ready in the spring; and my out of sight, out of mind approach has produced a rather deformed and diseased set of rose bushes.

 John 15:2, “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”

 "Angel Face"

As I mingled with God among the thorns I was mindful of a different pruning – the one that God does in us.  I'm tempted to avoid moments like that because it’s messy or inconvenient and I neither want my daily routine interrupted nor my heart disrupted.  However, when our heart is left unattended the places that need pruning become painfully obvious.  Life becomes about me, I'm easily irritated, sometimes dismissive, and often lack love. Thorny, overgrown branches prick and sting others while my soul becomes deformed and diseased. 

Thankfully the story does not end there.  When we "surrender to the shears" God does the needed work to shape our life into a resemblance of His beauty and presence that is good and kind.  One of my favorite bushes in the garden is call "Angel Face", they're quite fragrant and offer such a sweet aroma in passing.  We are not much different.  When Christ takes form in us we are his fragrance to the world (2 Corinthians 2:15) as it passes by and encounters us.  It happens in us the same way it does with the roses the as they lie pruned and dormant in my garden this winter.  As we let God work on the places in our heart that require his love we will be nourished and made ready to produce bountiful, fragrant blooms when the season comes for the sun to cascade its warmth and shine it light once again.  

So for 2014 I have the resolution to surrender to the shears when opportunity comes...albeit painful and hard, it alone holds the promise of spiritual beauty in due season.

What are the thorny gangly life-branches God may be drawing your attention to this year?

How can you open yourself up to his pruning work?

Spend some time imagining what a beautiful expression of his life in you look like once he has done his necessary pruning?

Vessels & Treasures

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. - 2 Cor 4:6-7

 

As I looked at the Christmas tree this year I noticed the lights strung neatly on the branches, the little ornaments that adorned the tree, some holding messages of hope, joy, peace, and love.  And I noticed the presents wrapped under the tree, each a temporary container treated carefully because it would be the little vessel by which a treasure would be revealed on Christmas morning.  My son was especially excited about unwrapping a set of old steel strings because it conveyed the promise of a 5-string acoustic bass hidden in the other room.  After gifts are unwrapped in my husband's family the kids head outside and form a bonfire out of all the wrappings...in a weird way, it has become a family tradition.  I mean really, keeping the wrappings would seem silly, right?  After all, they've served their purpose of conveying a treasure to someone.

 

A treasure and it's vessel....hmm... I'm challenged as I considered what I hold
sacred? Things are sacred because something special has come from them.  Like a present wrapped under the tree, "sacred" things are the little vessels by which we encounter certain treasures.  So I may hold a date night with my husband “sacred” because it allows me to spend meaningful time with him.  The same would be true with regard to my kids.  When they were young, tucking them into bed felt sacred because it brought the treasure of being with them during that time.  My kids are much older now and tucking them in at bedtime would just be strange!  To encounter the treasure of time spent with them now, has required the vessel to change.

The same can hold true for our spiritual life.  Vessels are good because they lead us to the treasure, which is a living encounter with Christ.  However, vessels are not the treasure themselves.  They are only as good as their ability to lead us TO the treasure. 
 

I find it easy to invert these two things.  I’ve done it plenty of times and I bet you have too.  It may be a particular style of music in church, a certain family/faith tradition, or even a church program.  All of which are meant to lead us to the treasure of personally encountering God and they do!  For the Israelites it was the tabernacle, for Moses it was a burning bush, a pillar of fire and a hovering cloud, for Paul it was a walk to Damascus, during the 1960’s and 70’s in the United States it was The Jesus Movement, for me it was summer camp, and a particular song. All have been vessels by which someone has encountered the living God.  In the right season these things seem sacred because of the treasure they carry.   But vessels change as God brings a new treasure of himself into our midst and if I am not open to the new ways in which I may encounter Him, I will miss Him altogether.  when I hold the vessel too tightly I will end up majoring on minors and minoring on the major because I’m compelled to preserve the wrong thing – the vessel.  Without the treasure the vessel is useless and empty.

When we major on the minors we do things like get angry, even mean, as we try to protect something we've grown attached to.  We may become demanding, insisting things happen a certain way – a way that puts our vessel front and center.  The problem is that when our sacred vessel is front and center, Christ is not.  Vessels and our responses to them, can become great distractions from the real thing.  Perhaps there is a certain Sunday School program through which many came to find Christ and thinking back on that season seems like the "glory days" of church to you.   What was sacred was the Christ encounter, but it would be easy to make the Sunday school program "sacred" and want to keep it preserved just the way it was; when in reality it was merely the vessel God chose at the time to bring His presence.

Vessels play a vital role in in our ongoing relationship with God, but those vessels may change over time. If we hold them too tightly we will lose the treasure of being with God.  That treasure will evade us because our ability to find Him becomes limited to the deteriorating walls of an old vessel.

For those of us who are methodical plodders, we may keep dusting off the same vessel, time after time, and wonder why God is being so distant or why our experience of him has become so blah and dry.  Perhaps the vessel we are using has run its course and it’s time for something new.  This by no means negates the old.  It was good and wonderful because for a time it helped us orient around the One True Treasure - Christ...

"Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."...Jesus' words in Matt 9

Christ was preparing the people to encounter Him and His kingdom in a new way.

How have you encountered Christ in the past?  What made it meaningful? 

Are there vessels you've held onto that are no longer serving their purpose?

How have you worked to maintain or protect them (perhaps holding on too tight :))?

How is God inviting you to a new "wineskin" vessel so He can pour His new wine presence in you?

 

 

 

 

Gnarly Vine Faith

Truth springs up from the earth,
    and righteousness smiles down from heaven.
Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings.
    Our land will yield its bountiful harvest.
Righteousness goes as a herald before him,
    preparing the way for his steps. – Psalm 85:10-13

This is a continuation from previous blog posts

One of my favorite wines carries as part of it's name, "Gnarly Vine" The fruit comes from old vines that have lived trough many years of strain and drought along with sunny days and cloudy winters.  They've tangled, redirected, and "knotted" many times over again, and produce fruit with full robust flavor.

One of the benefits of this long wait with God is that it gave me permission to be inwardly tangled and redirected over and over again.  It allowed for things like pain and confusion to surface ("sacred-sediment" mentioned in an earlier blog.)  While that may not sound like a good thing, it was!  It was good because it gave me a chance to see it, feel it, and let God bring healing to the past soul-strains and cloudy winter-stories I held.  That meant (among other things) letting go of circumstances that brought pain or confusion,  because my way of coping with them created some broken habits. 

Stories have a funny way of integrating themselves into our life. They are the snapshots of life that provide images of memory. Good or bad we draw conclusions around them and begin to form ideas about how life works.  At times I operate out of those ideas, taking them in as truth.  The problem is that many times they aren’t true (at least not entirely) and unless we take note of them, these false-narratives will hold tremendous power over us...they will tangle us.  For instance, we may carry the idea that people can't be trusted. A very painful story may have led us to that conclusion.  Believing people cant be trusted will cause us to treat others as suspect and withhold the very thing we were designed to give and receive alongside them - love.   As much as I may WANT to love and be loved by someone, my thoughts are holding me captive from it.  I can "will" it all day long but my thoughts will override my will-power every time. Hmmm...One thing is for sure, our circumstances form ideas and ideas form thoughts and thoughts determine how we live.  I guess that's part of the reason 2 Cor. 10:5 says to “Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.”  And why Phil 4:8 redirects us to fill our thoughts with whatever is right, true, pure and lovely. SO...we actually have say over our thoughts!  We can determine what we think about.

As God's truth infused itself into my "soul flavors", it was becoming easier to identify some of the lies that previously found their way in.  Romans 12:1-2 speaks of the paradigm shift that occurs when truth reshapes the very recesses of our being, which was (is) indeed happening to me. Every step required confession and seeking Christ to ask Him what was true and what was not.  God’s voice seemed to frequently call out, “Michelle, you have heard it said, or you may think….but I say…” As we go to the "basin" and wash off the residual effect of past images that form our many misguided ideas, God renews our mind which in turn has the potential to begin transforming our heart. Ephesians 5:26 says this, “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”   So while, for the sake of our example, we may not be able to always trust people, we can trust God.  He considers us beloved and intends to fill us with His life if we will let Him. I'm glad too, because as the years go on and the strain of drought, or the joy of sunny days, or bitter cold of cloudy winters take their toll, I will need Him to untangle me over and over again.

We can trust that Christ will wash and reshape our life with His truth as we seek to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."  It is HIS truth that sets us free - free to live in the abundance of His love, untethered by pain, fear, offence...or any other misguided thought.  And It will prepare the way for His robust and bountiful "soul-wine" harvest.

How about you?  What are some of the ideas that inform your life? 
 
Is it possible some of them, though compelling, may not be altogether true?

How have they held you captive

What might God's truth be according to his Word and Spirit?

Soul-Flavors

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our [waiting] condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.- Rom 8
...A continuation from the previous blogs beginning with Burned Out...

Well, we are almost finished with the series about the inward soul journey - woo hoo!!  Just a few more entries :)  Here we go...

The other day I visited a winery and tasted a new wine being introduced.  The flavor was amazing!  The woman went on to explain how the wine had been aged for eighteen months in new oak barrels.  Once wine initially ferments it typically gets placed in barrels to age.   It is there that the wait begins. This pause in production allows the wine to be removed from all other influences besides the barrel itself, causing the flavors from the wood of the barrel to be infused into the wine. ...That was it! I could actually taste the flavor of new wood on the wine I was tasting.  It was fresh, dynamic and wonderfully unique. 

           But let's go back to the idea of barreling... In this stage of the soul journey, like wine in a sealed barrel, I felt somewhat removed from many surrounding influences.  As if I was in the story, but watching it from a distance. I wanted to break through into various conversations and social settings but just couldn’t.  It felt more fitting to connect in smaller, more intimate ways but even then, the sense of being "known and understood" was rare; as was my ability to be fully present with others. God had introduced a grand "wait" and it was a strange abyss - so quiet and still. I no longer wanted false-fires.  There was a growing courage to let my “should/sensational-self” pass away and I felt indifferent toward things I once clung to for meaning.  It’s weird when what used to drive you goes away, because then, for a while, nothing drives you. The juices and sediment that had come from the recent crushing were purged for now and my “soul- juices” had been “barreled” allowing for my heart and mind to abandon itself to God's movement in the process...maybe that was the benefit of losing my drive and feeling so removed from others.

Indifference allowed for the questioning of sacred things and the dance of ambiguity.  In it, God initially seemed distant and silent but along the edges of this holy space I bumped up against His presence.  Old ideas that had formed broken images in my heart and mind were rewritten as they encountered God’s truth and love. His life infused itself ever-so-slowly into mine, like flavors of oak being drawn from the edges of a barrel.  This wait was changing me.  It wasn't one bit passive! Instead fiercely active.  Sue Monk Kidd likened her journey to that of a caterpillar and butterfly in her book When the Heart Waits.  In it, she states, “A creature can separate from an old way of existence, enter a time of metamorphosis, and emerge to a new level of life."

In this story, God, the wine-maker became the barrel as well; much like a caterpillar’s cocoon.  As we sit in dark-stillness with Him, He actively infuses our unfinished soul with the rich oak flavors of His love, joy, and peace. Those are the ingredients that make us fresh, dynamic, and wonderfully unique!  They are the things that make us real.  It takes a significant amount of time for wine to become aged and reach desired flavors.  It takes a long time for “soul-wine” too, but like that barrel, God surrounds us - even when we don’t know it.  Sometimes the path seems pointless as it becomes profoundly dark and God feels a chasm away. Yet, just when we think the darkness is too much, that's when we turn around and find that indeed, it isn’t darkness at all! …Instead, God has come so incredibly near that His hovering has cast it's shadow over us.  We are lost not in darkness... but held in His presence, which will one day bring forth incredible light!

So wait....Actively, wait.  Let the questions come and ambiguity rise.  God will surround you…He will infuse you with rich flavors of himself as you sit in the shadow of his accompaniment and emerge into a new level of life, the real-Christ-life intended for you will be found with all it's fullness and joy.

"Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."  Eph. 3:20

Pot-Stirring

Now God, don’t hold out on me,
    don’t hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
    are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
    a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
    I couldn’t see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
    so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

….Soften up, God, and intervene. 

Ps 40:12-13

A continuation of the previous posts beginning with "Burned out"

When grapes are crushed and the juices collected, the process of fermentation begins.  There are three important factors in fermentation: temperature, speed, and oxygen.  Other factors to consider are things like sugar, yeast, and stirring.  You may be thinking, “OK, so what does this have to do with soul formation?”  Well, it struck me how metaphoric this is to our own journey.

One thing about heat and speed, they strain and disrupt things!  Heat has a way of bringing things to a boil sometimes and It can be tempting to hop out of a “boiling pot”  of circumstances.  However, wine ferments into something good as wine makers consider the speed and temperature of fermentation. Staying in the process and letting it happen, becomes of utmost importance.  Staying in the formation process is of utmost importance too...buts its hard! As I stayed in the heart space of transformation, often I wanted to hurry it along.  Yet God kept reminding me of the song “Still” (previously posted).  The words have become my breath prayer…”Father you are King over the earth. I will be still and know you are God”.   I was learning to trust the “Wine maker”.

About this time I was preparing to speak to a group of women.  I remember thinking, “Lord, what in the world do I have to offer?  I have no business representing you right now!”  The speaking topic was "Jesus as the High Priest" during my research, I was reminded of the tabernacle and how the altar of sacrifice was set up – with horns on each corner.  The details had seemed incidental until then, but that morning, as I sat with God in preparation, those horns were all I could see.  My heart cried, “OH thank God for those horns!  No wonder they are there!  If it were not for those corners anchoring me down right now, I would hop off this place of sacrifice and be all the more glad!”...but not really.  I had reached a place where I could no longer enjoy the old wineskins that I once inhabited.  In fact nothing felt comfortable at the moment.  I couldn't go back and I did not see well enough to go forward; staying put seemed my only option.  Jesus, now the Great High Priest, stayed put too.  He never backed away from the cross.  He stayed through horrific circumstances and mockery.  HE. STAYED.  And because he stayed, his life is now available to us. The Sacrificial Lamb, was becoming my strength…in a weird way, “staying” was the only witness or testimony I had and that was just fine. 

However, circumstances were evoking reactions in me much like yeast interacts with sugars in the grape juice as it ferments.  Sin in me encountered sin in others and we crashed! Like little whirlwinds, it created stirs everywhere.  As the energy rose from the disruptions, my "fermentation" continued with involuntary response. As I worked to address my heart-the place from which these broken responses came-God began to change me.  This always takes longer than desired.  God has a much different timetable than we do and for good reason. 

 Sometimes wine makers try and speed up the process of fermentation by adding sugar to the wine. I wanted to add “sugars” to this soul-process too.  Things like blame sounded attractive because it would take the pressure off me and allow me to deflect the issue onto someone else.  At times I wanted to add a little “sugar coating” to what I saw in myself by giving it a nice spin of excuses or explanations.  The problem is that when sugar is added to fermentation it actually ends up slowing down the process because it can suspend what is already naturally occurring, then,  when the wine is poured and tasted, the flavors are "off".  When we choose to deflect or excuse our condition we slow down and suspend God’s formative work in us causing our "soul flavors" to be off ...perhaps becoming a little sour or bitter.  Staying in it and allowing the process to take place at the right temp and speed would allow for balanced soul-flavors - flavors that offer charitable compassion towards our self and others.   That's when we can "Taste and see that the Lord is good!"

So I began to name and own what was real.  It was hard and still is, but shackles fell as I did it.  I was not yet free but something was loosening up and as I encountered God's grace, the air didn't seem so thick around me.  Living with honesty became the oxygen that I needed to stay in the process…and I was beginning to wonder if this place on the altar was right and good after all….maybe.