Saddling Up - Setting fear aside to follow God!

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deut 31:8

A few week ago I enjoyed a weekend get-away with my family and a few friends at Kennedy Meadows Resort and Pack Station.  Kennedy (as we've come to call it) is nestled near the Sierra Nevada Summit in California.  It's one of the last honest cowboy places around, and certainly not "fancy"!  But it's run by real cowboys, and comes complete with a saloon, pack station, a general store, and rustic cabins for overnight stays.  My husband's parents have spent over fifty summers there and know the horses and trails like the back of their hands.  They are great trail guides and generously offer such trips to us when we come, so of course we planned a ride with our friends for the weekend!  

Our friends were new to riding horseback and anxiety was a little high as we waited for a guided trail ride.  I was quick to remind them that the horses know this trail better than we do, so we can trust them!  Trust...hmmm... so here's a teeny confession: Sometimes trust doesn't always come easy for me and when I ride (novice that I am!), I try too hard to control the horse’s movements, tenaciously holding the reigns thinking I know the route better than the creatures who spend countless days taming it (Think James 4:13-15).  And,...well...Usually that’s how I end up in the brush, off the trail, scratched up and trying to turn around (I think that’s called repentance!)  

OK, back to the story.  We spent an hour or so that day meandering through meadows, making our way through the rustic woods and across a river that moved through the meadows like a quiet blessing.  It's funny, while the river seemed quiet, it felt much different as we tried to cross it.  The water's voice grew louder as we made our way into it. The horses hooves slipped and "clopped" on the rocks immersed just beneath the surface. Some of the riders were unsure how to let the horse cross, and there was a little hollering, whinnying, and splashing - anxious chaos! Yet we made our way through those deceptively still waters! 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. – Isa 43:2

On the other side came an unexpected respite as the deer lazily greeted us, exchanging soft glances our way while we lingered through gigantic redwood trees that stood as cathedrals among the aspen and wild flowers. It was lovely! 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways submit to him,

    And he will make your paths straight.  Prov 3:5-6

When our ride ended and we returned to the pack station, I asked our friend Ana, who was visiting from Europe, if she enjoyed it.  Here is what she said: “At first, I felt a lot of fear inside.  I was worried about what might happen, but then I said in my mind to the horse, ‘I know that you are used to this, you know what you are doing, and where you are going; so I will trust you. I will not let fear control me.  If I hold on to fear it will only make things worse. This is good. I am safe. So Let’s go!’  Then I enjoyed the ride very much.”

I couldn’t help but notice how Ana’s story mirrors the journey of following Christ.  It begins with trust - trusting in something, or someone, beyond ourselves to journey us into something new.  But trust can be hard, especially when it means going in a direction that feels unfamiliar or scary, and it requires our surrender! We sense the invitation but fear-feeding thoughts rise to the surface of our mind, don’t they?  We become riddled with what-if’s.  What if I can’t control this? (Hint: We already can’t! ;-)) What if something bad happens and I can’t fix it?  What if I find myself alone with no idea where to go? What if I’m humiliated and lose respect from others? What if this decision causes loss or pain to those I love? What if ….? 

Fear can keep me from ever putting my foot in the stirrup and getting on the horse at all!  Sometimes I’d rather keep my feet on the ground, safe and secure in my comfy place, called predictability.  If our friends did that we would not have gotten on those horses that day; and we would have missed the journey and beauty of the ride.  If Ana stayed focused on her fear, even when she was on the horse, her ride would have been miserable and the only enjoyable part would have been when it was over!   Horses aside, I’ve done that in life, haven’t you? I've opted out of  something when it felt too hard or scary; or in lack of surrender, I’ve gritted my teeth through the journey counting the minutes instead of the blessings – holding tight to the reigns, trying to steer in directions not meant for me.  

Surrendering to the ride is much better.  That’s when we can rest in the calm splendor of God and encounter beautiful rivers of life-giving mercy and grace.  I remember the sound of the horses’ hooves on the rocks as we crossed the river with our friends that day; and I wonder if it isn't similar to how we might can recall the voice of God leading us through the waters of our own story.  He reminds us that, though we may be anxious, He is good and will be good to us.  

Like Ana at the start of her ride, we can say with confidence to God,  "I know that this is not new to you.  You know what you are doing and where you are going.  So I will trust you and I will not let fear control me, fear will only make things worse! This is good, I am safe, so let’s go!”

What Dad Would Tell the World - One of the last conversations between a father and his daughter.

Dad and Mom the first day He checked into Stanford on July 17th

 Most who read this blog know that my father has been fighting leukemia for the past seven months.  On Jan 25^th that fight ended and Dad found himself at home in God’s love embraced by Jesus …for real and forever. Yesterday we paid tribute to his life.  Some have asked if I would share what I shared at his memorial service.  The following is what was shared.

On January 9, I sat down with my dad and asked if he could tell the world anything, what would it be?  He said three things…

“Following Jesus doesn’t always lead us to a place where we want to be.”

In fact, I noticed a Lenten devotional from last spring in His bible that said as much.  It seemed God was preparing him before he ever knew he’d be taking this journey. 

It’s easy to assume if we follow Jesus and do what’s “right” that it will lead to a “blessing” we expect.  The truth is my dad was angry about cancer at first, and the way it was stealing his life.  He felt cheated and so did a lot of us. There were many dark days.  Yet, through a disease that was taking my dad’s life far sooner than he wanted, he was learning the “blessing of following Jesus was actually Jesus… not necessarily good circumstances. And the gift of following Christ was not his presenTS wrapped up in neat little bows set pristinely upon a shelf. Rather, it was his presenCE that comes near when everything else goes dark and life begins to unravel those pretty bows and burst out of our tidy boxes. I suppose that’s why he also said to me during the same visit,

“Michellie, Don’t fall too in love with the world. Wear it loosely.”

Dad was beginning to understand how his despair (and ours) is often rooted in our commitment to the very temporal and unpredictable things of this place called earth.   We strain after our dreams and demand our rights.  We spend time climbing the corporate ladder, and dusting off old trophies.

But loosening his grip on those things allowed my dad to surrender himself to the story God was writing. He encountered God in that surrender even when the journey did not lead to a place he “wanted” to be.  In the struggle, he found the blessings and goodness of God.  It showed up in the presence of friends who stayed by him as he weathered these last few months?  It sometimes appeared in the night as God brought a company of heavenly hosts to hover and attend him in his fear.  It showed up in care-givers who gently came along side to comfort his pain.  It showed up in strained relationships now made whole. And that was a big deal to him.  My dad said one more thing that day…

He said, “I wouldn’t let lousy relationships go unattended.”

"I wouldn’t put off conflict.  I would have been less angry.

I would pick relationships over everything else and I would do it more."

I asked what everything else was and he said, “My rights, my expectations, my ideals, my pride.  There is never a conflict so big that it should eclipse the relationship or our ability to love in it.  Never.” 

My dad didn’t say this because he always got it right.  He said it because he did the heart work when he got it wrong.

Lastly, as I consider the eternal home my dad now enjoys, perhaps if he could say anything to us now, he’d tell us how complete and beautiful it is – that what seems incomplete to us now here on earth, is  already made whole in eternity; and God’s promises are all true - every one of them.  He’d tell us God is gloriously good, and how he is at home in His love - a love that is every bit what we’ve imagined, even more!  He’d invite us to taste it, to trust the journey and know that even when it takes us down paths we’d rather not travel, chances are it’s in those dark places where we will find God in the way we’ve always longed to know him. 

Yet Will I Praise Him...

We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord.

Several years ago I found myself saddened over deep loss for the first time.  I remember thinking up ways to try and by-pass the pain.  It’s funny when we are confronted with sorrow how we first seek to avoid its sting.  We do things like get busy, or lose ourselves in movies or books. As much as I wanted to tell myself it was fine the truth was I was disappointed and sad and there was not much I could do about it.  And over time, as things settled, I began to fully bend to sorrows blow.

People would come over and seek to console me but rarely are there words that hold sorrow well.  What I do remember is their presence, and the occasional word of encouragement from someone who had experienced pain and was now on the other side of it.  It never really mattered what it was, after all loss is not always relative.  Loss is loss.

Since then life has afforded many other sorrows and I’ve grieved even “greater” losses.  There were days when picking my head up from the pillow seemed about all I could do, and walking through a market to buy groceries happened on legs that felt like Jell-O, and with a heart so heavy in my chest air had to force its way in.  That’s what grief feels like.  That’s how sorrow makes it way out through our pores. 

But I learned something during that first season of grief; something that has proved quite valuable. It happened while in church on a day when I had to force myself to even show up.  My husband is a pastor and I knew that I would be sitting alone and if grief decided to makes it appearance it would be unaccompanied and put on display from the front row.  Those were the days when a particular praise song called Shout to the Lord was sung just about everywhere - I knew it well.  But that day in the midst of my sadness as that song was being sung something in me moved.  Something?  …More like God’s spirit in me made a decision on my behalf (Rom 8:26-28).  For whatever reason I could set grief aside, and as the rest of the congregation sat, I stood. (So much for trying to be discrete in my sadness).   It was like I was saying to God, myself and everyone else that while I may be sad and the sky is oh so dark, this sorrow will not steal your glory nor will it steal my strength.

 “Shout to the Lord all the earth, Let us sing!  Power and majesty and praise to the King.  Mountains will fall and the seas will roar at the sound of your name! I sing for joy at the works of your hand forever I love you, forever I’ll stand.  Nothing compares to the promise I have in you!”

That’s when the meaning of the familiar song, “We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord.” made a little more sense….”We offer up to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving, joy and praise” (Heb. 13:15).  Sometimes coming to God in worship requires a laying down of that which we dearly love regardless of whether or not we will get it back…and in laying it down God pulls our “Jell-O-ed” legs to stand and holds our heavy-hearted song.  This is not blind trust.  It is evidence of the Holy Spirit's companionship and promises his strength of joy.  Our chosen worship affronts the blows of sorrow and says, “Yet. will. I . praise . Him!”

Joy-Strength

Joy…what’s it all about?

Joy is much different than a state of profound happiness or excitement.  Joy is
deeper than that.  In fact neurologists have discovered that there is actually a “joy center” in the brain.  It’s there from the moment a person is born.  It’s developed through exchanges of delight; such as when a baby first meets its mother’s eyes and finds her smile, or when a parent returns home and the child runs into their open, waiting arms.  These are exchanges of joy through which we learn we are someone’s beloved and have a place in this world.

So joy is relational.  Contagiously, it is stirred up in a person when someone is glad to see them and they return joy back.  Studies show that Joy can grow between individuals at a rate of 6 cycles per second in a non-verbal face to face exchange.  In fact, in the absence of this joy exchange, a person can refer back to it and return to a state of joy.  That is the strength of joy.

Joy is actually one of the most powerful forces a person can experience. It can produce images of glad belonging and consolation that anchor the executive center of us (our heart, will, mind, and emotions)  Interestingly, one of the ways joy-strength is built happens as we learn to move through difficult circumstances and find joy on the other side of them.  Like the moment a climber crests the top of a steep mountain after a long and arduous hike, or when a parent embraces their child upon their return.  Moments like these produce in us the ability to say, “I know this is hard but we’ve done this before and we can do this again.”  Or “This is difficult, but the reward is worth it.”

“So why are you saying all of this?” You might ask.  Because all of us long to be the apple in someone’s eye, or experience moments of consolation after long desolate journeys. We were actually made to crave it and be nourished by it - by JOY.  That is what gives us the strength to journey on and live the life we were made to live.  It’s what helps life make sense.  And, while joy is built through relationship with others, it is ultimately built through our relationship with God.  Joy grows between us and God through shared moments.  It happens as we set our eyes on him and find his smile.  Over time we develop an ongoing sense of well-being learned through the goodness of God.

The One who came as a baby, came by way of a mother whom God strengthened through a "delight-exchange" between her and her cousin, Elizabeth (Luke 1:14); so at 8 months pregnant , Mary journeyed on the back of a donkey to share a stable and birth JOY – Emanuel, God with us.  Jesus, who "for the JOY set before him, endured the cross, despising its shame", now sits at the right hand of God (Heb. 12:2).  He is the Good King over all, forever waiting with open arms for us. He desires to be with us and anticipates our companionship.  He is the one who is mighty to save and rejoices over us with singing (Zeph. 3:17).  He, “makes our feet like hinds feet” (Ps 18:33) as we scale the craggy mountain paths of our life journey with Him. He tells his children that as they live under the banner of His love they will “Go out with Joy and be led forth with peace” (Isa 55:12). “The Joy of the Lord is our strength!” (Neh. 8:10) - Joy-Strength.   

Some Ideas on how to build Joy:

1.       Greet others with a smile.

2.       Invite others to tell you truthfully how they are doing, and what they are thinking.  Listen without interrupting.

3.       Take a sincere interest in really knowing the other person.  Work hard to understand the other’s fears, joys, passions, talents and pain.

4.       Treat each other with dignity and respect.

5.       Use touch when it’s appropriate.  Hold hands, link arms, give hugs, etc…

6.       Discover what brings someone joy and custom fit your time with them.

7.       Give little surprises that causes someone’s eye’s to light up…and let your eyes light up to!  Remember, Joy builds as the glances go back and forth.

8.       Cherish babies and children by establishing through words and actions that you are authentically “glad to be with them.”

 

9. ...and know that God does the same with us

 

 

 

Material taken from Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, by James Friesen, Ph.D; E. James Wilder, Ph. D; Anne M Bierling, M.A.; and Maribeth Poole, M.A.

Journey to Joy

Joy: Joy is not pleasure, a mere sensation, but a pervasive and constant sense of wellbeing. Hope in the goodness of God is joy's indispensable support.- Dallas Willard

As I looked through our nativity sets recently, I noticed that we don't have a single one that shows Mary...pregnant... on a donkey.  That's when it struck me how uncharacteristic it must be.  It's funny how we often want to remember just the end of the story where all was calm and bright.  But "joy comes",  that phrase implies it was not first there.  We journey to joy.   

This week as we enter the JOY theme of Advent, I don’t necessarily feel joyful.  Over the last few weeks life has been a bit tangled.  Its uncanny how difficulties can bring rise to our otherwise buried pain.   I find myself wanting to manage it much like I'd shore up the discomfort of a headache with an aspirin. However, while there may be over-the-counter remedies for headaches, there are none for heart-disruption.  So we are left with a choice to either see it through or bury it.   One brings life, the other takes it.

It’s tempting and quite normal to bury pain, especially at Christmas.  Who has time to deal with trouble when there’s so much to be done? This is the season of peace, joy and love; not conflict, sorrow, and pain – right?  Every time we bury hurt it is like sowing a little seed of death.  It germinates in dark soil spaces, nourished by images of pain, and takes root. Over time, given the right environment, it will sprout; making its appearance above the soil in unexpected places.  With remarkably protective posture, this stubborn shoot yields cynicism, contempt, fear and isolation...joy-stealers! (By the way, I can always tell when I’ve encounter a bitter-root sapling because my response seems out of proportion to the circumstance.)

But there is another choice. We can invite God into the pain and let him bring healing.  That’s what happens when we “see it through”.  We stay in it, feel it, let it be messy and seek God in it...we gaze into his face to find him present.  Answers are tempting distractions, but rarely salve the wound the way the ministry and fellowship of God will.  As the song says, “He is the balm in Gilead that makes the wounded whole”. 

So this Advent-Joy time has been a reminder for me to journey to the manger, in the everyday-ordinary, to stare at what arises once again and hold joy close. 

Romans 12:1-2 says this, “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.….. fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out.”

That’s what difficulty does.  It affords the opportunity to adjust our focus and recount God's activity…

“Once again I’ll go over what God has done,
    lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I’ll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
    and give a long, loving look at your acts.” – Ps 77:11-12

This is the anchor on which we tether our heart as it sways in the wind between the outcries of our soul and the whispers of God. (I wonder if Mary's heart swayed as she traveled over rough terrain on the back of a donkey journeying to Bethlehem?)  It’s worth every wave that comes because when it’s over, joy shows up.  Life is new and less hindered; allowing us to remember that while sorrow may be lent our way for a season, Joy is given to us for a lifetime. 

 As you consider the good things God has done, what come to mind?

What are the places of discomfort and pain that you are tempted to bury for the sake of the Holidays?

How can you invite God into it and let him bring healing and joy?

All Praise To Him!

“I tell you.” He replied, “If they keep quiet, even the stones will cry out!” - Luke 19:40

It’s Thanksgiving Day.  I’m nestled with my family in a Sierra Nevada cabin in a little mountain town called Sugarpine.  I love coming up here.  We’ve been doing it for years and it usually comes as a well needed rest seasoned with sweet company, quality-time together, tripping over the mess we make, and the occasional edgy quip as we succeed in sharing over 100 continual hours together.  I took a walk with my dad this morning as we’ve done many times. It dawned on me that we’ve been walking these roads together for years. I love my dad and I am grateful to still have him in my life.  I'm thankful for my husband who initiated this Thanksgiving Day tradition with my parents.  I'm thankful my teenage kids consider this one of their holiday "favorites".  So... I’m working to be "present", but distractions come easily (in fact, typing this might be one of them!) 

What is it about the lure of "checking out" this is so compelling?  It takes a lot of intention to stay aware and tuned in relationally...but it's worth it.  There is something about sharing moments with those I love that causes me to be more grateful for them.  That gratitude brings life and joy.  It seems the same when I spend a moment or two with God.  Somehow in his magnificent glorious way, He authors praise unto himself; not because He is an ego-maniac but because He knows what will truly give us life and joy.

Psalm 8:1-2 Says, “Lord, our Lord,

How majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory

in the heavens.

Through the praise of children and infants

you have established a stronghold against your enemies,

to silence the foe and the avenger.

God ordains the praises of infants and children to literally push back the presence of the enemy!...Enemy BE SILENCED!  We lift our voice to the Lord our God, who is in all, through all, and in whom we live and move and have our being!  So let the mess happen -it's evidence of life inside the walls of that space, let the edgy words go - they don't bring life at all - don't offer them and don't ingest them.  God inhabits the praise of His people - His creation!  That's why today I want to share with you something so magnificent…so surprising...it's God’s choir in crickets!  You may think I’m crazy but that’s OK... I don’t think you will once you hear the music. Stay listening for at least 3 minutes...the "voices" that come are incredible!...Close your eyes and listen...BTW some of the comments in the comment box of the song are not for young eyes (you gotta love "free speech"- but God's much bigger than that for sure!)

https://soundcloud.com/acornavi/robert-wilson-crickets-audio?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

Can you imaging, our God, who is not bound by time hears the choir of this beautiful melody all the time...If He can make a song out of a cricket's life, He can make one out of yours and mine.  It's interesting to note how incomplete this "choir" would be with just one cricket...It's the collective voice that creates a symphony.  So this year as we gather more with friends and family, I will have this choir in my head reminding me to be thankful for those I'm with, even when it gets messy or unpredictable, because in it God is composing His song.

“All creatures of our God and King. 

Life up your voice and with us sing! 

Oh Praise Him!  Oh Praise Him!

Hallelujah!”

Soul-Flavors

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our [waiting] condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.- Rom 8
...A continuation from the previous blogs beginning with Burned Out...

Well, we are almost finished with the series about the inward soul journey - woo hoo!!  Just a few more entries :)  Here we go...

The other day I visited a winery and tasted a new wine being introduced.  The flavor was amazing!  The woman went on to explain how the wine had been aged for eighteen months in new oak barrels.  Once wine initially ferments it typically gets placed in barrels to age.   It is there that the wait begins. This pause in production allows the wine to be removed from all other influences besides the barrel itself, causing the flavors from the wood of the barrel to be infused into the wine. ...That was it! I could actually taste the flavor of new wood on the wine I was tasting.  It was fresh, dynamic and wonderfully unique. 

           But let's go back to the idea of barreling... In this stage of the soul journey, like wine in a sealed barrel, I felt somewhat removed from many surrounding influences.  As if I was in the story, but watching it from a distance. I wanted to break through into various conversations and social settings but just couldn’t.  It felt more fitting to connect in smaller, more intimate ways but even then, the sense of being "known and understood" was rare; as was my ability to be fully present with others. God had introduced a grand "wait" and it was a strange abyss - so quiet and still. I no longer wanted false-fires.  There was a growing courage to let my “should/sensational-self” pass away and I felt indifferent toward things I once clung to for meaning.  It’s weird when what used to drive you goes away, because then, for a while, nothing drives you. The juices and sediment that had come from the recent crushing were purged for now and my “soul- juices” had been “barreled” allowing for my heart and mind to abandon itself to God's movement in the process...maybe that was the benefit of losing my drive and feeling so removed from others.

Indifference allowed for the questioning of sacred things and the dance of ambiguity.  In it, God initially seemed distant and silent but along the edges of this holy space I bumped up against His presence.  Old ideas that had formed broken images in my heart and mind were rewritten as they encountered God’s truth and love. His life infused itself ever-so-slowly into mine, like flavors of oak being drawn from the edges of a barrel.  This wait was changing me.  It wasn't one bit passive! Instead fiercely active.  Sue Monk Kidd likened her journey to that of a caterpillar and butterfly in her book When the Heart Waits.  In it, she states, “A creature can separate from an old way of existence, enter a time of metamorphosis, and emerge to a new level of life."

In this story, God, the wine-maker became the barrel as well; much like a caterpillar’s cocoon.  As we sit in dark-stillness with Him, He actively infuses our unfinished soul with the rich oak flavors of His love, joy, and peace. Those are the ingredients that make us fresh, dynamic, and wonderfully unique!  They are the things that make us real.  It takes a significant amount of time for wine to become aged and reach desired flavors.  It takes a long time for “soul-wine” too, but like that barrel, God surrounds us - even when we don’t know it.  Sometimes the path seems pointless as it becomes profoundly dark and God feels a chasm away. Yet, just when we think the darkness is too much, that's when we turn around and find that indeed, it isn’t darkness at all! …Instead, God has come so incredibly near that His hovering has cast it's shadow over us.  We are lost not in darkness... but held in His presence, which will one day bring forth incredible light!

So wait....Actively, wait.  Let the questions come and ambiguity rise.  God will surround you…He will infuse you with rich flavors of himself as you sit in the shadow of his accompaniment and emerge into a new level of life, the real-Christ-life intended for you will be found with all it's fullness and joy.

"Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."  Eph. 3:20

False-fires

This is a continuation of previous posts beginning with "Burned Out"

"So if you have been raised into union with Christ, look around, pay attention to where Christ is in charge. Set your mind on God's reality not on the things of the earth, for you've died to that stuff. And the life that you now have is hidden with Christ in God so that when he is revealed, then your real life, your true self will be revealed in the light of his glory." Col 3:1-3

 When God began the process of building a "new-wine"  way of life in me, the strain of my then present way of life felt all-the-more pronounced. Something was missing and wrong.  Where was the promised Joy of John 10:10? Why did it feel like I was forever circling around the same traps of unhealthy habits and conflict. "Victory in Jesus" seemed a pipe-dream.  In the discontentment, God was inviting me into a journey to discover what it meant to live freely and lightly with Christ and know His unforced rhythms of grace and abundant Joy (Matt 11:29-30).  Though, the path looked oddly different than those promises.  While I strained for God as crushing circumstances forced the unseen to the surface,  I simply didn't have it in me to "fake it" anymore.   In short order the false motivations behind my activity fell under fire.  If I was to learn how to desire Christ and companion with Him, then I had to ask a few questions... why I was doing what I was doing.  What was behind my choices and the activity that flowed from them?  

For a long time I couldn't identify what flowed directly from desire or joy, or my honest and true "self".  Much of what I did was a response to obligation, fear, or image management.  It was these “false-fires” that needed to be acknowledged.  False-fires occur when the activity we do feeds a false part of us.  The False part of us can be called the “should-self” or the “sensational-self”.  The “should-self” is who we believe we should be in relation to God and others but not who we really are.   So much of what I did had a corrupted or false driving component of “should” to it and flowed out of who I thought I should be or how I thought I should act.  The “sensational-self” is the self that makes decisions based on whether or not it will provide a sense of being special or sensational.  It's the part of me that wants to impress others.  Both feed a false sense of purpose.

           The truth is, our sense of purpose can only come from a transformed life in Christ but before that, our sense of being loved and special can only come as we encounter God in a deeply personal way-a way in which we hear from Him, "You are my beloved".  We love because God "first loved us".  Any other foundation is unstable and false.  It can and will ignite false-fires within us.  False-fires drive us in a way that is dangerously close to the real thing but they aren't sincere nor do they fully satisfy.  I longed for the "real-fire", "first-loved" life of Christ meant to burn uniquely within me, but how could I find it when all these other false-fires burned so brightly out of control? 

Hebrews 4:12-13 says this,

 “God's word is alive and working and is sharper than a double-edged sword. It cuts all the way into us, where the soul and the spirit are joined, to the center of our joints and bones. And it judges the thoughts and feelings in our hearts. Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God. Everything is clear and lies open before him, and to him we must explain the way we have lived.”

            Out of this passage flowed the prayer of my heart.  “God, show me why I do what I do.  Stop me if it's not initiated by you.  Give me the strength to let my ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and my ‘no’ be ‘no’.  Show me your fire, meant to burn uniquely within me.”  

Now normally I would be ending this entry about now but... I want to warn you that by praying the prayer above, fierce uprisings may occur.  God’s will encounters ours and often the two do not agree, but take heart! That battle of the wills is at least real!  God does not want our “should-self”. It isn't real - obligation has never coincided with honesty and love...its strange how we mix that up.  Nor does God need our "sensational-self". He already delights in us!  ...How can He love and transform us when what we bring to Him is a portrayal of what we should or want to be, but isn't really who we are?  God is fully aware of our imperfect real-self, and He's altogether elated to companion with that person.   It is our real-self that He calls "beloved".  That broken, messed up part of you that you don't like...He loves! That's who He accepts, and desires to make new.  It is only our real-self that has the capacity to receive his "new-wine" life.   It is only our real self that can truly desire Him. It is the unhindered, unadorned beloved child within us that holds the flint to be ignited with His fire, burning ever brighter with His joyfully redemptive story of life, purpose and hope.  Being honest helps us extinguish what is false and allows God to refine and rekindle the "real". 

So I must ask...What are some of the "false-fires" that burn within you?  How might God be inviting you to something different?

Here's a link to a song that I often return to when confronting "false-fires" within.  Maybe you would like it too :)  http://youtu.be/god9flc_xbk