What Dad Would Tell the World - One of the last conversations between a father and his daughter.

Dad and Mom the first day He checked into Stanford on July 17th

 Most who read this blog know that my father has been fighting leukemia for the past seven months.  On Jan 25^th that fight ended and Dad found himself at home in God’s love embraced by Jesus …for real and forever. Yesterday we paid tribute to his life.  Some have asked if I would share what I shared at his memorial service.  The following is what was shared.

On January 9, I sat down with my dad and asked if he could tell the world anything, what would it be?  He said three things…

“Following Jesus doesn’t always lead us to a place where we want to be.”

In fact, I noticed a Lenten devotional from last spring in His bible that said as much.  It seemed God was preparing him before he ever knew he’d be taking this journey. 

It’s easy to assume if we follow Jesus and do what’s “right” that it will lead to a “blessing” we expect.  The truth is my dad was angry about cancer at first, and the way it was stealing his life.  He felt cheated and so did a lot of us. There were many dark days.  Yet, through a disease that was taking my dad’s life far sooner than he wanted, he was learning the “blessing of following Jesus was actually Jesus… not necessarily good circumstances. And the gift of following Christ was not his presenTS wrapped up in neat little bows set pristinely upon a shelf. Rather, it was his presenCE that comes near when everything else goes dark and life begins to unravel those pretty bows and burst out of our tidy boxes. I suppose that’s why he also said to me during the same visit,

“Michellie, Don’t fall too in love with the world. Wear it loosely.”

Dad was beginning to understand how his despair (and ours) is often rooted in our commitment to the very temporal and unpredictable things of this place called earth.   We strain after our dreams and demand our rights.  We spend time climbing the corporate ladder, and dusting off old trophies.

But loosening his grip on those things allowed my dad to surrender himself to the story God was writing. He encountered God in that surrender even when the journey did not lead to a place he “wanted” to be.  In the struggle, he found the blessings and goodness of God.  It showed up in the presence of friends who stayed by him as he weathered these last few months?  It sometimes appeared in the night as God brought a company of heavenly hosts to hover and attend him in his fear.  It showed up in care-givers who gently came along side to comfort his pain.  It showed up in strained relationships now made whole. And that was a big deal to him.  My dad said one more thing that day…

He said, “I wouldn’t let lousy relationships go unattended.”

"I wouldn’t put off conflict.  I would have been less angry.

I would pick relationships over everything else and I would do it more."

I asked what everything else was and he said, “My rights, my expectations, my ideals, my pride.  There is never a conflict so big that it should eclipse the relationship or our ability to love in it.  Never.” 

My dad didn’t say this because he always got it right.  He said it because he did the heart work when he got it wrong.

Lastly, as I consider the eternal home my dad now enjoys, perhaps if he could say anything to us now, he’d tell us how complete and beautiful it is – that what seems incomplete to us now here on earth, is  already made whole in eternity; and God’s promises are all true - every one of them.  He’d tell us God is gloriously good, and how he is at home in His love - a love that is every bit what we’ve imagined, even more!  He’d invite us to taste it, to trust the journey and know that even when it takes us down paths we’d rather not travel, chances are it’s in those dark places where we will find God in the way we’ve always longed to know him. 

Beautiful, Lovely Community - Dealing with the vision, the disappointment, and the possibility of lasting Christian community

photo by Kelly Hofer

Welcome one another…Forgive one another….Be faithful… Bear with…Be kind, be compassionate…Spur on toward love and good deeds…Submit…Pray… Confess…Encourage…be united...share.

Don’t slander…Don’t make up stories that hurt…Don’t provoke… Don’t envy….

…love.  These are the “One Anothers” found in scripture; mostly in the writings from Paul. They offered a vision of community - One of gracious, open, and loving friendship.  I don't know about you, but I want to be a part of such a community.  

The Climate of the One-Another Community
  

Between Jesus and Paul, these characteristics of  come up 59 times.  Which suggests that not only was it a big deal, but also that it wasn’t already happening.  The early church was still learning what it meant to be followers of "The Jesus way".  Some of the disciples/apostles didn’t always get along (Acts 11, 15; and Gal 2).  And sometimes they were exclusive and cliquish with "outsiders" (Luke 9:54). They were often too tired or distracted to pray for each other (Matt 26:36-42).  There was disunity because of gossip.  Arrogance, misunderstandings, and, long-held offences fractured this new little church.  There were marital affairs, lawsuits, and distorted sexuality which Paul addressed in several of his letters to the churches.  Fear of persecution was real.  Unity in Christ and unconditional love, sparse!  This was the community in which the “one anothers” were interjected.

Sound familiar?  I’m going to venture a guess it isn’t much different from the community we see now, in the 21^st century.  The church is fractured and broken because it is made up of broken, fractured people - people who, like you and me, make mistakes, big and small, every day.  People who forget to pray their worries, but remember to gossip their concerns.  People whose pain is full but healing and forgiveness, slender.  People who feel isolated and desperately desire a close circle of friends. People who are still learning to be followers of "The Jesus way". 

The Search for Community

We long for a “one another” place, but rarely find it.  In fact most of us, after having sought it somewhere for a while, become disillusioned when our idea(l) of community is shattered.  We often move on, hoping to find a better version elsewhere.  We think we see it happening at this church or that group and we head there.  Perhaps it works for a while, but it isn't long before we are disillusioned again.  Like a pot at the end of a rainbow, healthy, robust community appears a promise always a bit out of reach. 

So what are we to do? In our efforts to find it we must first decide to BE the "One Another community ourselves.  What we long for begins with us learning to live like Jesus - gracious, open and loving...even when its hard.   It means I may need to re-arrange my life in such a way that it has room for relationships; which may require finding time for hospitality and honest conversation in lieu of sport activities, or my favorite T.V. show.  It means when a brother or sister who shares my

commitment to follow Christ comes to me with a concern about my life, I will openly and humbly listen, and courageously return the favor when needed. That's love and encouragement.  It means when I am angry or hurt by someone’s actions, I will let God do the work in me first, and I will process the situation with an appropriate few instead of seeking comfort through a prayer request that may only lead to further misunderstanding and offence.  That's forgiveness and regard for another's reputation.  It means I will confess my sins when appropriate, believing that in doing so God does a healing work in me (James).   It doesn’t mean I will do these things perfectly, in fact it’s likely I’ll get it wrong a lot of the time, but I will do them intentionally…with others who are desiring to do the same…we will “work out our salvation” and “not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing"…we will "spur one another on toward love and good deeds and all the more as we see the day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25) 

The Messy Work of One-Another-ness

Yet even as I type these words I feel the “ideal” creeping back in.  This is hard work, because often our vision collides with reality, and because of that, sometimes we’d rather use these “one anothers” as weapons of righteous indignation.  “Doesn’t scripture say to be kind?”  Comes our hearts-cry when we’ve been hurt.   “How can they call themselves a Christian and act like that!?”  ...And sometimes people feel that way about us.

One thing is becoming soberingly clear, we cannot transport and “drop” ourselves into loving community.  It must be built.  We become the recipients of it as we put hand to trowel, lock arms and decided to stay in it together…letting Christ form us through our collective surrender to his higher ways of love.  There was no other pathway for the early church and there is no other pathway for us.
In fact, crashing up against the disillusionment of the ideal can be a grace in disguise.  It affords us the opportunity to experience our need for love in a deeper way.  It is only when we become needy for love at the deepest heart level that we can begin to consider something more - Christ’s love.  When we run out of options that we thought would satisfy us, we are more open to Christ.  It enables us to receive His love as it pours itself into our vacant longings and we become full.   Full enough to love back. After all, we love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

So what do you think?
 Have you been on a search for community/friendship that continues to evade your experiences?
Are you moving from place to place to find it?  Are you looking for it in others and neglecting the role you play?

God has a vision for his church – a vision that takes form as we step into relationship with Him and others, release our ideal of it, and trust that in the messy work of “One Another-ness” we will encounter His good and beautiful life together.