Pot-Stirring

Now God, don’t hold out on me,
    don’t hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
    are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
    a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
    I couldn’t see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
    so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

….Soften up, God, and intervene. 

Ps 40:12-13

A continuation of the previous posts beginning with "Burned out"

When grapes are crushed and the juices collected, the process of fermentation begins.  There are three important factors in fermentation: temperature, speed, and oxygen.  Other factors to consider are things like sugar, yeast, and stirring.  You may be thinking, “OK, so what does this have to do with soul formation?”  Well, it struck me how metaphoric this is to our own journey.

One thing about heat and speed, they strain and disrupt things!  Heat has a way of bringing things to a boil sometimes and It can be tempting to hop out of a “boiling pot”  of circumstances.  However, wine ferments into something good as wine makers consider the speed and temperature of fermentation. Staying in the process and letting it happen, becomes of utmost importance.  Staying in the formation process is of utmost importance too...buts its hard! As I stayed in the heart space of transformation, often I wanted to hurry it along.  Yet God kept reminding me of the song “Still” (previously posted).  The words have become my breath prayer…”Father you are King over the earth. I will be still and know you are God”.   I was learning to trust the “Wine maker”.

About this time I was preparing to speak to a group of women.  I remember thinking, “Lord, what in the world do I have to offer?  I have no business representing you right now!”  The speaking topic was "Jesus as the High Priest" during my research, I was reminded of the tabernacle and how the altar of sacrifice was set up – with horns on each corner.  The details had seemed incidental until then, but that morning, as I sat with God in preparation, those horns were all I could see.  My heart cried, “OH thank God for those horns!  No wonder they are there!  If it were not for those corners anchoring me down right now, I would hop off this place of sacrifice and be all the more glad!”...but not really.  I had reached a place where I could no longer enjoy the old wineskins that I once inhabited.  In fact nothing felt comfortable at the moment.  I couldn't go back and I did not see well enough to go forward; staying put seemed my only option.  Jesus, now the Great High Priest, stayed put too.  He never backed away from the cross.  He stayed through horrific circumstances and mockery.  HE. STAYED.  And because he stayed, his life is now available to us. The Sacrificial Lamb, was becoming my strength…in a weird way, “staying” was the only witness or testimony I had and that was just fine. 

However, circumstances were evoking reactions in me much like yeast interacts with sugars in the grape juice as it ferments.  Sin in me encountered sin in others and we crashed! Like little whirlwinds, it created stirs everywhere.  As the energy rose from the disruptions, my "fermentation" continued with involuntary response. As I worked to address my heart-the place from which these broken responses came-God began to change me.  This always takes longer than desired.  God has a much different timetable than we do and for good reason. 

 Sometimes wine makers try and speed up the process of fermentation by adding sugar to the wine. I wanted to add “sugars” to this soul-process too.  Things like blame sounded attractive because it would take the pressure off me and allow me to deflect the issue onto someone else.  At times I wanted to add a little “sugar coating” to what I saw in myself by giving it a nice spin of excuses or explanations.  The problem is that when sugar is added to fermentation it actually ends up slowing down the process because it can suspend what is already naturally occurring, then,  when the wine is poured and tasted, the flavors are "off".  When we choose to deflect or excuse our condition we slow down and suspend God’s formative work in us causing our "soul flavors" to be off ...perhaps becoming a little sour or bitter.  Staying in it and allowing the process to take place at the right temp and speed would allow for balanced soul-flavors - flavors that offer charitable compassion towards our self and others.   That's when we can "Taste and see that the Lord is good!"

So I began to name and own what was real.  It was hard and still is, but shackles fell as I did it.  I was not yet free but something was loosening up and as I encountered God's grace, the air didn't seem so thick around me.  Living with honesty became the oxygen that I needed to stay in the process…and I was beginning to wonder if this place on the altar was right and good after all….maybe.