A Reluctant Worshipper

The other day I stopped to do something I assumed I had been doing for years.  The idea came from a school assignment in which we were asked to offer up a prayer to God.  In the assignment we were encouraged to only speak of our love for God, to avoid bringing up any requests or concerns…just love and praise (Remember, this was just an experiment, Phil. 4 is clear about bringing our requests to God.)  Since this was an experiment, I thought, surely it will be an easy assignment.  

 I was surprised to find it difficult to express any love for God that didn’t feel contrived.  I tried talking to Him from several points of view, but no luck.  It was easy to come with my requests or frustrations, and of course my heart was all in it!  But that was NOT the assignment.  SO...Setting those things aside, while I could profess a contrived love for Him, my heart could not engage it.  Telling God sincerely that I loved Him was just plain hard.   But why? This is a God I KNEW to be so incredibly loving? One thing became glaringly obvious.  While we can use will power to DO something, it’s impossible to will ourselves to FEEL something, and I knew God was reading right through me; which made the whole thing seem all the more insincere.   

After giving the matter some thought, I had to admit that part of me had become unfamiliar with God’s love and I didn’t trust it.  I have been busy doing so many things, that I hadn’t made much time for God and I fell out of a routine of meditating on His love.  When we fall out of a routine of meditating on the love of God we forget that He is good.  As the old hymn says, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it!  Prone the leave the God I love.”  

So as I tried to confess love for God, another part of me was at the ready, cancelling  out the confession with a quick rebuttal.  It was a real Jekyll and Hyde experience which went something like this:

“The train of your robe, Lord, fills the temple with glory.” I professed out of one side of my mouth.

Then from the other side came, “Really? I’ve grown weary of waiting on you, Lord.  If you are really GOD, then can you not make SOMETHING go right? I’m tired of empty promises.”  

And back and forth it would go.  Clearly I needed a reminder of what His love actually looked like, so I went to scripture (Ps 36:5-9).

Living Translation : “Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your justice is as solid as God’s mountains. Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water. You are concerned for men and animals alike. How precious is your constant love, O God! All humanity takes refuge in the shadow of your wings. You feed them with blessings from your own table and let them drink from your rivers of delight.  For you are the Fountain of life; our light is from your light.”

The Message:

God’s love is meteoric,
    his loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
    his verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness
    nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse,
    slips through the cracks.

^7-9 How exquisite your love, O God!
    How eager we are to run under your wings,
To eat our fill at the banquet you spread
    as you fill our tankards with Eden spring water.
You’re a fountain of cascading light,
    and you open our eyes to light.

As surprised as I was to find it difficult to express love to God in the beginning, I was equally, if not more surprised to find how the Living Word (the Bible) could reveal to this weary child the Living Word (His presence).  As I John says, We love because He first loved us. God’s Spirit used The Word to unlock my heart, which had become closed off and shut tight to His love.  Rather than cynical Jekyll and Hyde banter, I found myself in a much more life-giving conversation.  One that could genuinely express LOVE.

“’In His largeness nothing gets lost.’ – Nothing God? Are you sure?  Oh Hallelujah! Nothing is lost!  Not these years of ministry, not my son as he’s away at school, Not …(so many things!)  Nothing slips through the cracks -  Hallelujah you are attentive to it all!

Your wings God?  Are they indeed so big that we run under them like children playing freely on your beautiful playground? 

On and on it went for a while as I decompressed all that had been stored up.  He, as the fountain of cascading light, ushered me out of the dark and began to open my eyes to light.

It was a good assignment.  One I think I might just go back to once-in-a-while.

Faith-Borrowing

Yesterday I was on a walk and noticed a park with newly planted trees; each with their own set of stakes to keep them growing straight until they are rooted enough on their own to weather wind and rain...It reminded of me of a time several years ago when one of our kids encountered their own type of storm and reached a point where their circumstances collided with their faith.  Up until then, everything about God seemed to coincide with their experiences.  And really, their circumstances had not yet been out of their control; which meant, “I make a good choice and good comes of it.  I make a bad choice and bad comes of it.”  This was one of those seasons where making a seemingly good choice brought unexpected pain and disappointment and their faith needed stakes.

I remember walking with my child on the beach as they poured out their heart with little reserve or consolation.  It takes so few words for a parent to discern the meaning behind their child’s eyes, or understand the phrase that silently follows their sigh. 

 
At the end of our walk I said, “I know this is painful.  And I also know there is nothing I can do to fix it.  I know suggesting it will all work out for the good is useless right now - even though it’s true. But your dad and I have lived many more years than you and it has given us the chance to see God work.  We have more stories to look back upon and recall His faithfulness, even when God did not seem faithful at the time.  You are just beginning that journey.  Don't spend your energies conjuring up faith for stories that have yet to be told.   Rest in ours while God builds them in you.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to loan you my faith. Where you have none right now, borrow mine.  You can use as much as you want and claim it as your own until you have what you need.  It’s OK if you don’t or can’t believe God right now. I will believe on your behalf.  I will hold your story present before God, believing for you.  Borrow my stories until you have your own.  Borrow my faith until you find yours.”

Up until that night with my child I had not considered lending my faith to someone.  This was one of those moments when God showed up and dispensed His wisdom when I had none.  Since then, however, I've given the idea considerable thought.  Can someone actually borrow another’s faith?  Or was it just a lapse in judgment that caused me to say those words to my child? 

I recall a more personal experience when I struggled deeply over  something.  A friend came by and simply shared how she too had a similar struggle and it would pass -The days would get better.  Oh how I hung on those words. I didn't have the capacity to see beyond the immediate, but she could.

Faith Borrowing….

Here’s what Roman’s 8 has to say…”Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our [ expectant,wearied and waiting] condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

In the way I offered my child my faith back then, and the way I borrowed my friends, God offers to His children something similar.   We can go limp and rest in His stories.  We can sigh and trust that the Holy Spirit will translate our breath into meaningful words before the Father.   We can borrow His stories in others until we have our own.   After all isn't that why we are surrounded by "such a great cloud of witnesses"?  Doesn't it help us "press on towards the goal" ?  Heb 12:1

So I am borrowing Mary’s faith as she sat at Jesus’ feet, abandoned to Him.

I am borrowing Esther’s faith as she waited for God to “right” the story and accomplish his purposes.

I am borrowing Peter’s faith while He stood at the fire with the resurrected Christ and reignited what had been snuffed out.

I am borrowing Joshua and Caleb’s faith as they saw giants in the land and believed against all odds that God would fight the battle.

I guess those trees in the park reminded me that sometimes we just need a little...

...Faith-Borrowing.