It was a warm fall
morning as I sat in a crowded café having coffee with a friend. Tears formed a
familiar road map along her cheeks. She was cautious not to share them with the
passer-byers that crowded the long brick patio. A couple’s small group meeting
in the corner only added to her pain. Kim, who attended church since childhood,
was now a thirty-something single adult, well established in her career, and
searching for a place to belong inside the community she’d known for years. Maybe
it’s because I am married to a pastor, maybe it’s because I like coffee houses,
regardless, I’ve had many opportunities to witness stories like hers. Often, as they unfold over shared sips and a
biscotti, I sit quietly with more questions than answers.
I remember learning
about community for the first time as a new Christian. I was 15 years old and
the radio-show Focus on the Family was emerging onto the scene. Though not yet
married, I enjoyed how it discussed the ideals of what a Christian family might
be like in practical ways. This show, and others like it, had a growing influence
on the American church. Today, over 30 years later, congregations everywhere
have adopted an emphasis on family within their church programming.
Churches offer support
groups for struggling marriages and hold all-church family movie or “fall
festival” nights. In February there may be a couple’s Valentines dinner. We
encourage the whole family to participate in things like Vacation Bible School
and have developed marriage small group Bible studies. We have a special
morning for moms of preschoolers and Sunday school classes for all seasons of
marriage or parenting. Some even plan
family camp-outs. Sermons are peppered with application points or examples that
fit well inside family life. I’ve watched husbands and wives reunite, as they
become part of such a church culture. All of this has been remarkably
beneficial and, personally, as a wife and mother, I am glad for it. Yet many, like my friend Kim, struggle to
find their place within it. It seems in
the church’s concerted effort to support the family; it has inadvertently
marginalized those who are single.
Real
Stories
Several months ago, after our Sunday
morning service, I listened to a conversation between two women. Sandy shared that she and her husband, and a
few mutual friends, enjoyed a movie together the night before. The second
woman, Margaret, who was recently widowed, hadn’t been invited. Sandy saw her friend’s disappointment, but
her well-meaning efforts to console did not help as she responded by saying,
“Oh don’t worry, it was just couples anyway.”
Apparently by those qualifications, Margaret would have been included
four weeks earlier when her husband was still living, but now when she may need
those outings the most, she wasn’t. I don’t fault her friends; they were simply
acting within the context of the culture. But what does that suggest about the
culture?
The struggling single
mom or dad faces similar realities. Often their friends don’t know what to do
when divorce has restructured their family. Once included in the Friday night
dinners or Sunday lunches, suddenly single parents find themselves out of the
loop or inadvertently not invited. After all, most tables are set for six or
eight, not seven. Family outings with those friends begin to dwindle too, and
slowly over time, they don’t happen at all. Without intention, the single
parent along with his or her children drift quietly to the side lines at a time
when being included could provide much needed support and healing.
Some, like my friend
Kim, long to be married but Mr. or Mrs. Right hasn’t come along. For others,
marriage isn’t in their immediate sights and may never be. But in all cases
there is a common desire to be a part of a community and be regularly included
in it. One specific story stands out, but it is by no means the exception, my
friend Julie was asked by several of her friends, who happened to be married, to
help plan a party. Thrilled to be included, Julie obliged. She spent hours with them designing the
invitations, creating the centerpieces, and planning the food, only to find out
as the day approached, that because she was single, she was not invited to the
event. On another occasion, Julie’s well-meaning friends said to her, “We need
to find you a spouse so you can come to our small group Bible study.” This was
a study that was not specific around marriage. It’s clear her friends like her,
but they don’t know how to include her.
It seems increasingly
difficult for the family oriented culture of the church to embrace and enfold
those who are single. Yet in 2014, the percentage of the world’s single adult
population exceeded the married population for the first time. As a result,
this is a demographic that cannot be overlooked. Their hurt, pain, triumphs and
joys do not happen outside of the community, they happen in it. Their stories,
just as remarkable and complex as those of married couples. Their contribution,
profoundly needed in the church and in our own lives. Yet it seems, with the
exception of a singles group (which rarely gains traction in most churches and
usually accommodates a rather narrow age span), the ways a single adult can
connect are slim at best. Many of these
individuals are asking the question, “Where do I belong?” Often our response has been suggestions for
how to serve rather than a welcome to the dinner table. How, with such good
intentions, did the we - the Body, become so exclusive?
A
Few of the Factors
With every cultural
dynamic there are factors that contribute to it. Some in regards to this
particular dynamic seem fairly subtle. First, there seems to be a stigma around
the “odd number.” We use familiar phrases like: “Don’t be the odd man out” or
“I felt like the third wheel.” On the
other hand, even numbers are everywhere - at dinner tables, on amusement park
rides, they’re even on dinner menus as a meal option! I wonder what would
happen if we set the visiting tables on church patios with odd numbers instead
of even. At least a few. I wonder how inviting that extra chair may be for
someone.
Another factor can be
explained as I share one of my own experiences. After I married and began
having children, my routine changed and I was less apt to run into friends who
were not in the same stage of life I was.
My friend, Elaine, came to me during that time telling me how our lack
of connection felt like a divorce to her. I had become so caught up in this new
stage of life and connecting with new friends who shared similar things like
diaper rash stories, or tantrum strategies, I had no idea the abandonment my
single friends experienced. And frankly, at the time, I also had no idea how to
do it differently. I think the newly
divorced or widowed adult feels something similar as their friends socially
connect with those who share their married status and inadvertently neglect to
remain connected with their non-married friends. It seems like a classic case of “Out of sight
out of mind”. I imagine, in this situation, a married couple that does not have
children can feel equally set aside.
Perhaps even more
systemic than either of the previous two examples is the subtle, yet common
assumption that adult life officially begins at marriage. Somehow there is an
unspoken belief, especially in the church, that one has not yet fully “arrived”
until they are married with children. It is all too natural, then, to begin
valuing one particular stage of life over another. Once values are set,
appropriate energies are streamlined in that direction – primarily around the
nuclear family. With such prioritization on family, singleness can often be
perceived as a plane taxiing on the runway; making laps on the ground with no
movement yet in the sky. It is presumed they are in a holding pattern, waiting
for life to “take-off” and find flight. Yet nowhere does scripture say that
real life begins at marriage. Purpose is breathed into us as we find ourselves
before the Father, loved and complete, fully equipped by him to do good no
matter our age, job, financial or marital status. (Eph 2:8-10)
Finding
Center
How do we find center
in a hyper-focused family culture? A good place to begin is to re-examine what
we’ve made center. While the institution is important, we as individuals, have
perhaps created an idol within it, and our programs serve that idol. Focusing
on the nuclear family unit is by all means noble, and many such programs are
good and helpful. However, family was
never intended to be the focal point of our Christ-following or the church’s,
and our well-intentioned commitment to it (both individually and
institutionally) could be the very thing that prevents us from welcoming the
way Jesus would. There is, in fact, a larger family unit to consider, the
family of God, where we are all brothers and sisters and children of the Good
and Perfect Father. If we can disrupt our programing and crack open the doors a
bit to enfold the one standing on the outside, we will catch a glimpse of what
Dallas Willard was quoted as saying in Richard Foster’s book The Celebration of
Discipline, “God’s aim from the beginning of time [has been] to establish an
all-inclusive community of loving persons with God at the center as its prime
sustainer and most glorious inhabitant.” With this vision of the Kingdom, the
distinction between the married and single life begins to fade into something
more beautiful and robust.
The banquet table of God is set one-by-one
and not two-by-two (that was the Ark!) In the house of God each of us hold a
place at the table. We are fellow
citizens and family members, none less or more distinguished than the other
(see Mathew 20:1-16, Ephesians 2:19-22). Each one can find themselves included
if they so choose to enter and participate by way of His grace. This is where
we sit in the presence of our enemies, it is where our cup over flows and we
feast on the love of God, side-by-side, rich or poor, married or single. And it is God himself who sits at the head as
the “Most Glorious” One. As we orient His direction, even when it means
releasing our ideals of a nuclear family, He will establish his community among
us. A community that is much larger and more
diverse than before. We can trust that in focusing on HIM “Seeking first His
kingdom and righteousness” … that “all these things will be added as well.”
(Matt 6:11)
How do we, the Body, find a way to form a community
of discipleship that represents this balance? In our current culture it may
mean becoming more open to inter-seasonal life stages. After all, isn’t this the
way the Early Church did it? It seems that age and stage had little impact on
the communities of Christ-following that were emerging early on. It’s only been
in the last few decades that we’ve seen that shift, and the rich
inter-generational influence has been lost in it. This isn’t to say that
gatherings based on age or stage of life are not an important part of the
process. We need both. However, it’s often it’s often in the swing where we
find a balance. Maybe we need a swing in that direction for a while to allow us
to break out of our routines and find the balance. We have been trying this in
our church for a while and it has not been without it’s struggles. However, in the mess, a beauty is emerging as
more and more of us dislodge from long-held patterns of relating that once
closed the circle of our community. A family of 5 no longer hesitated to call
their single friend and together they drove to pick out a Christmas tree, then
shared in setting up and decorating them. Another young family invited a couple
without children on a weekend get-away and they shared in the responsibilities
and recreation together. Sunday after church a couple helped a recently widowed
woman find a new car and negotiate the details with the dealership. My friends who are single are also learning
to reach out, knowing they are part of us and their presence is a blessing. Can
you feel your heart expand as you consider these stories? Is there a story into
which God is inviting you?
Churches are made up
of people, and while an institution can create basic structures to assist in
culture, it cannot change the culture. Change begins on the individual level. As
long as I remained neatly tucked inside my comfort zone within my
well-established relationships, this dynamic was difficult for me to recognize. It wasn’t until I broke out of that comfort
zone and could hear the stories of others that I began to understand the pain
of exclusion and the joy of inclusion. Like many of you, I still need work in
this area. I can be rather hesitant to disrupt my routine to welcome someone
new into it. I initially anticipate loss rather than gain. Yet it has also been
my experience that as I’ve opened my tight places of circled community to
include others, the gains have far outweighed any anticipated losses.
Follow-ups
on Hurricane Matthew in the Southern U.S., as well as updates on the Pacific
Northwest “Typhoon” were all the rage a few weeks ago. Actually, Its hard to
put the two events in the same sentence since one has been significantly more
devastating than the other. Buildings
crumbled under the winds and rain, hundreds of lives lost in Haiti, death-tolls
rose from flood waters, and there’s a general sense that we’ve been here before,
only under different aliases like Katrina and Sandy. And depending on where one
lived, their little brother, Matt, was as much of a bully as they were. Hmmm...Bullies. Bullies are all over the news as we watch the color of our skin determine who we love and who we hate.
"Waters roar and mountains fall
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