Holy Saturday - When the story doesn't go the way we expect and God seems oh so silent!

So today is THE Saturday for which this blog was named, which is why it seemed just plain wrong to bypass posting for today.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately,  Things I am learning as I move through the loss of a loved one, things I’m learning as I make vocational changes, and places of flux as my family grows up and my role shifts in their life.  All feel like a “Saturday” of sorts.  The sun is setting while Friday goes to sleep,  Sunday is not yet here and I find myself, as one would, lingering between “death” and life.  Waiting, sometimes weary, sometimes, sleepy, sometimes at rest.  It’s rather quiet in my soul, like the hushed obedience the mountains give after a fresh-fallen snow.

 We remember Christ crucified on Good Friday and Christ Risen and alive on Sunday -Friday and Sunday,  but what about the in-between Holy Saturday?  Not much is said about the day when God goes silent and a resurrection has yet to come. The day when all that is known is the aftermath of recent loss or the vague sense that something is not quite right.  Saturday has gone largely unacknowledged for me.   What does one do with this symbolic bridge-day that moves us from death to life? 

Well today on March 26, 2016 I have met with a client, sat with my mom as we thought about facing the first holiday without my dad.  I've taken my daughter to find Easter shoes, helped my son and his friend head back up to college for their final quarter, and will pick up dinner rolls,...my portion of the Easter meal.  (A case of bronchitis makes me glad for packaged rolls!) My husband has worked hard this week to prepare a sermon that will break the rhetoric hum of the Easter Bedtime story – (and I think he did, by the way!)  Earlier today he headed 40 minutes away to to evict a tenant and struggled deeply to do it in a way that is loving and good.  I’ve navigated a difficult conflict with a close friend and experienced deep pain, betrayal, and regret in the process... and I suppose they have too.  The laundry is slowly getting done, and my kitchen counter is visible for the first time since the boys came home last week (Let’s hear it for small victories!!) That’s what this in-between day has held…mini in-between moments, unfinished business, less than ideal snapshots of real life, and the reminder that something is not yet quite right.

But Sunday is coming.  Tomorrow we will sing, listen, reflect and pray on what this resurrection means - how we are grateful, wonder if we are, wish we felt more grateful or maybe elated that we do! Christ's crucifixion made available to us his risen life. 

Resurrection...Life arises from death. The first generation of wilderness-Israelites died before God would lead their children into the promise land. Even nature bears witness to this death-to-life phenomenon. A pine cone consumed in a fire releases its otherwise dormant seeds birthing a forest out of the ashes. And as I look back on the past few years it seems I've experienced a similar passage-a firestorm of sorts- in which my own dreams & desires - what I know to be my "life" are slowly being laid to rest.  

Its been said, God's dreams are better. There have been glimpses of that in this journey. And in it, this incidental Saturday-season becomes God’s silent storm where he comes near,  holds us as we writhe, weeps with us, and loves us intimately.  It happens in those stormy places that we often dare not share with another human heart; that's where God finds his home. He decends into those hellish shadows longing for deliverance, and we are forever changed! 

We journey to Sunday by way of the cross. Dallas Willard said, "We were meant to be inhabited by God and live by a power beyond ourselves.  Human problems cannot be solved by human means." He was so right! As we surrender to the pause, waiting becomes active.  Somewhere, out of the ashes, new life emerges as the Divine One works on our behalf.  Oh how I have been tempted to run - Haven't you?!  But we must stay in this Saturday, every hour of it, before Sunday dawns.  There are no short-cuts, just ordinary-remarkable happenings with a God who shows up along the way.

So in some ways, I've grown rather fond of this "wait-day" – there are times I wouldn't wish it away.  That's when the grit of my struggle finds the embrace of God's love.   But there are other days when my soul sits in begging screams – pleading to be taken off this bridge, this highway, that's commanding my surrender.   Yet... as I remain...God's hand works in ways I thought were impossible; and slowly, ever. so. slowly, there is a sliver, a glorious sliver of light as Sunday's dawn peeks over the horizon, awakening my dormant soul.  It all happens through the sacred wait of Saturday.

So...What are your Saturday moments?  
Could it be God is journeying you to Sunday's dawn through them?
How can you encounter Him and cooperate with Him along the way?

Abba Father! - An honest confession in the midst of the storm

It’s hard to determine how to engage this recent season of the soul.  Maybe it's best if I begin by going backwards from the last post...back to where it all started to unravel.  So bear with me as I share a few journal entries written over the summer. Hopefully it will unfold as we go along. Brackets ([... ]) will be used for clarification when needed, otherwise, these are just plain old journal entries - My hope is others will find voice in their own story through it.

July 17, 2015

The view from my "thinking spot" at Lee Abbey

“ 'Over the past two years I have participated in a study of  the life of Jesus where we seek to live in on-going awareness of him as his apprentice (I say “apprentice” because ‘disciple” seems a bit rhetoric in our current Christian culture) and participate in God's good and beautiful kingdom.  We find it by arranging our daily activity in such a way to allow for continual prayerful companionship with him on behalf of ourselves and others.  We find true freedom as we encounter him in our honest human condition and learn to "take up our mat" and walk with him, through prayer, community and scripture.  And as we do, we flounder and flourish in a grace-rhythmed dance with God.  We learn how to live lovingly with others and discover our unique role in the world for the sake of God’s greater Kingdom. Living as an apprentice of Jesus seems a formidable but lovely task.' 

[I typed those words in June, having just returned from staying at the beautiful Lee Abbey in Devon, England. They were the introduction of a larger paper that discussed in further detail the beauty of discipleship to Christ.  I was coming off a very hectic, spiritually dry season and was thankful for the respite, so the words flowed rather easily.  It seemed God was calling me into new places and I was excited!   It's funny when the soul makes space for God how the Father - Abba - finds a way to dine with the ragamuffin and make her cup full.   I was full.  Satisfied.  Ready to move into the deeper, richer things of God.]

Living with Jesus sounds so nice,  'Living in in-going awareness of him.', in 'continual prayerful companionship' Oh the words greet me like a warm blanket! I suppose it’s easy to pontificate the goodness of God when our circumstances support it.  

Photo Credit: Dru Norris

But today, here in this care-house for families with cancer? Those words seem a distant aspiration.  This has been an unusual summer and, among other things, my normally healthy dad has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia.  Clouds have come to cover the sunny coast-line of England that was so recently in view. Rain falls, and I don't know if I can trust these waters.  As I sit in this hospital waiting room, a different set of words are pouring forth:  

"I want to wake up from the dream.  Run away.  Escape. This is not the road I want.  Its not the way anyone planned it. Go away!

Please, Life!  Go back to normal!...It's strange how the day before everything changes feels just like any other day,with the same routines, same annoyances, same joys, same, same same.  But Same is different now.

How did we get here?  How did the bottom fall out so ruthlessly?  Where did Normal go?

Normal just introduced itself as doctors and nurses; as sterile rooms and beds with machines.  Normal takes blood counts and measures fevers and fatigue.

Normal is long text updates and tears held back by swallows.  It's says just enough,  never more."  

God I know you're here ...but where?  Where is your voice in the storm?  Where are the 'unforced rhythms of grace' that Matthew 11:28-30 talk about?  Where is the joy promised in the midst of sorrow? Or the peace that passes understanding?  Life with you is my investment, my bedrock, my hope! Now when it seems most vital I’m at a loss to engage it.  Rather than a 'grace-rhythmed dance with you', I’m, angry, sad, disappointed, resistant to the circumstances, and full of tantrums!  It’s been ugly…my soul-feet weren't expecting this journey and I am left breathless.

This doesn't feel like a 'Saturday', where we are simply held inside of life's pause awaiting Sunday's dawn.  This feels like Friday, where situations turn cruel.  Friday says, 'Father, if it's your will let this cup pass.'  Friday includes a garden in the night where the soul wrestles with God and sweat-blood falls into the dirt while vigilant prayers fall asleep at the tree.  Friday is a hike up a dusty hill with burdens laden and strength dwindling.  Friday bleeds at sunset.  

Oh find me in this honest human condition, find us all!  Because sometimes we weep. Sometimes we cry out  'Abba Father!  Why have you forsaken me,' ... and that's OK with you." 

Labeling

Have you ever mislabeled something?  Boy I have!  Once, I was leaving to take a few things to the thrift store when I noticed that one of the bags did not feel quite right.  Upon looking inside I found a bag of leaves meant for the green –garbage that was picked up the day before. I had mixed up the bags!  If only I had checked before I labeled them!  Now a bag of clothes meant for the thrift store sits wasted in a refuse pile across town.   I am struck by the power of labeling.  I made an assumption about the contents of the bag based on the label I had given it.  The problem is that the label was wrong and it caused me to hold on to the wrong thing and throw out what was good.   So what am I getting at, you ask?

“But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." Matt 5:22

            Jesus warns the religious people not to call their brother a fool or say to them “raca” because it labels them.  When someone is labeled a fool it gives others permission to dismiss him as such, without regard to his intrinsic worth.  The term “raca” literally implies spitting with disgust.  To say “raca” is to show deep contempt.  Neither scenario is acceptable before God because of the attitude within the heart.  But here’s the kicker!  In Matt 12 (see link at bottom) Jesus goes on to say that all sin shall be forgiven, except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.  When I was younger I used to worry that someday I would somehow “blaspheme the Holy Spirit” ending up in hell when I died.  The verse always bothered me and I made a few attempts to explain it to myself but nothing seemed quite right until I considered the whole context of Jesus' message. I had not considered the context of Jesus’ words until recently.  Jesus was not saying that for the most part God will forgive you, but if you happen to commit this one “unforgivable sin”, then it stinks to be you - there’s no grace for that one – bummer!  Honestly, it sounds ridiculous when put that way, but it’s what I believed and I imagine some of you have too. So let’s look at the context. 

Jesus is dealing with religious opposition coming His way.  He was saying that as soon as you label something that is intrinsically right, true and good, as “bad”, you prevent yourself from ever receiving the benefit of its truth, righteousness and goodness.  It was a warning to the Pharisees and religious leaders about labeling the movement of God among them.  

If they labeled Jesus as bad they could not receive His good because anything He said or did would become suspect to them due to the label they had placed upon Him - much like the way I mislabeled the bags in our garage.  Only in this case it was a label of dismissal and contempt that called Christ and what He did as "of the devil".   It caused them to reject His message altogether.   Then, of course it would stand to reason that they would be in danger of “eternal damnation”; but not because God, in offence, decided to hoist them off into a fiery pit.  It was because they postured themselves against the good news of Jesus.  Included in that good news was the promise of the Holy Spirit to all who chose to follow and embrace Christ as Messiah.  John 14:25-26 says, “All this I have spoken while still with you, but the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have said to you.”  How can the Holy Spirit teach one who is unwilling to trust His instruction?  But then again, the Holy Spirit would not be theirs in the first place because they had rejected the vessel through which it came – Christ. 

            Something happens when we label.  Assumptions get made and opinions and meaning get rooted.  Sometimes something is labeled poorly or without regard.   I threw out what was good and accidentally saved what was bad because I mislabeled it. The pharisees did the same; only with much higher consequences.

            How do we mislabel things?  I see it happen in the church all the time.  We hear a term and make an assumption around its meaning then throw out the good that can be received from the teaching because we misunderstand it.  We see someone associated with another and uncharitably label either of them and miss out on the potential of shared community in Christ (and we wonder why we feel isolated at times.)  Sometimes we label something as "bad" because it makes us feel uncomfortable even though we're not sure why.  I wonder what I would have done, given all the same ingredients that the Pharisees had.  Would I have labeled Jesus in the same manner as they?  His words were so disruptive and often broke the cultural and religious rules.  How would I have responded to the movement of God they were encountering?  What are the disruptions that I label as “bad” now? Is it possible that the cultural and religious rules that have become sacred to me are actually blinding me to the gift of Jesus himself?

These are my thoughts and I’d love to hear yours J  

Here's the link to the passage mentioned

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+12%3A22-37&version=NIV

Lord, open my eyes to your kingdom work in and around me - I want to follow you.  May I hold nothing sacred that would prevent me from fully acknowledging and following you. - Amen.