False-fires

This is a continuation of previous posts beginning with "Burned Out"

"So if you have been raised into union with Christ, look around, pay attention to where Christ is in charge. Set your mind on God's reality not on the things of the earth, for you've died to that stuff. And the life that you now have is hidden with Christ in God so that when he is revealed, then your real life, your true self will be revealed in the light of his glory." Col 3:1-3

 When God began the process of building a "new-wine"  way of life in me, the strain of my then present way of life felt all-the-more pronounced. Something was missing and wrong.  Where was the promised Joy of John 10:10? Why did it feel like I was forever circling around the same traps of unhealthy habits and conflict. "Victory in Jesus" seemed a pipe-dream.  In the discontentment, God was inviting me into a journey to discover what it meant to live freely and lightly with Christ and know His unforced rhythms of grace and abundant Joy (Matt 11:29-30).  Though, the path looked oddly different than those promises.  While I strained for God as crushing circumstances forced the unseen to the surface,  I simply didn't have it in me to "fake it" anymore.   In short order the false motivations behind my activity fell under fire.  If I was to learn how to desire Christ and companion with Him, then I had to ask a few questions... why I was doing what I was doing.  What was behind my choices and the activity that flowed from them?  

For a long time I couldn't identify what flowed directly from desire or joy, or my honest and true "self".  Much of what I did was a response to obligation, fear, or image management.  It was these “false-fires” that needed to be acknowledged.  False-fires occur when the activity we do feeds a false part of us.  The False part of us can be called the “should-self” or the “sensational-self”.  The “should-self” is who we believe we should be in relation to God and others but not who we really are.   So much of what I did had a corrupted or false driving component of “should” to it and flowed out of who I thought I should be or how I thought I should act.  The “sensational-self” is the self that makes decisions based on whether or not it will provide a sense of being special or sensational.  It's the part of me that wants to impress others.  Both feed a false sense of purpose.

           The truth is, our sense of purpose can only come from a transformed life in Christ but before that, our sense of being loved and special can only come as we encounter God in a deeply personal way-a way in which we hear from Him, "You are my beloved".  We love because God "first loved us".  Any other foundation is unstable and false.  It can and will ignite false-fires within us.  False-fires drive us in a way that is dangerously close to the real thing but they aren't sincere nor do they fully satisfy.  I longed for the "real-fire", "first-loved" life of Christ meant to burn uniquely within me, but how could I find it when all these other false-fires burned so brightly out of control? 

Hebrews 4:12-13 says this,

 “God's word is alive and working and is sharper than a double-edged sword. It cuts all the way into us, where the soul and the spirit are joined, to the center of our joints and bones. And it judges the thoughts and feelings in our hearts. Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God. Everything is clear and lies open before him, and to him we must explain the way we have lived.”

            Out of this passage flowed the prayer of my heart.  “God, show me why I do what I do.  Stop me if it's not initiated by you.  Give me the strength to let my ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and my ‘no’ be ‘no’.  Show me your fire, meant to burn uniquely within me.”  

Now normally I would be ending this entry about now but... I want to warn you that by praying the prayer above, fierce uprisings may occur.  God’s will encounters ours and often the two do not agree, but take heart! That battle of the wills is at least real!  God does not want our “should-self”. It isn't real - obligation has never coincided with honesty and love...its strange how we mix that up.  Nor does God need our "sensational-self". He already delights in us!  ...How can He love and transform us when what we bring to Him is a portrayal of what we should or want to be, but isn't really who we are?  God is fully aware of our imperfect real-self, and He's altogether elated to companion with that person.   It is our real-self that He calls "beloved".  That broken, messed up part of you that you don't like...He loves! That's who He accepts, and desires to make new.  It is only our real-self that has the capacity to receive his "new-wine" life.   It is only our real self that can truly desire Him. It is the unhindered, unadorned beloved child within us that holds the flint to be ignited with His fire, burning ever brighter with His joyfully redemptive story of life, purpose and hope.  Being honest helps us extinguish what is false and allows God to refine and rekindle the "real". 

So I must ask...What are some of the "false-fires" that burn within you?  How might God be inviting you to something different?

Here's a link to a song that I often return to when confronting "false-fires" within.  Maybe you would like it too :)  http://youtu.be/god9flc_xbk 

Pot-Stirring

Now God, don’t hold out on me,
    don’t hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
    are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
    a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
    I couldn’t see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
    so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

….Soften up, God, and intervene. 

Ps 40:12-13

A continuation of the previous posts beginning with "Burned out"

When grapes are crushed and the juices collected, the process of fermentation begins.  There are three important factors in fermentation: temperature, speed, and oxygen.  Other factors to consider are things like sugar, yeast, and stirring.  You may be thinking, “OK, so what does this have to do with soul formation?”  Well, it struck me how metaphoric this is to our own journey.

One thing about heat and speed, they strain and disrupt things!  Heat has a way of bringing things to a boil sometimes and It can be tempting to hop out of a “boiling pot”  of circumstances.  However, wine ferments into something good as wine makers consider the speed and temperature of fermentation. Staying in the process and letting it happen, becomes of utmost importance.  Staying in the formation process is of utmost importance too...buts its hard! As I stayed in the heart space of transformation, often I wanted to hurry it along.  Yet God kept reminding me of the song “Still” (previously posted).  The words have become my breath prayer…”Father you are King over the earth. I will be still and know you are God”.   I was learning to trust the “Wine maker”.

About this time I was preparing to speak to a group of women.  I remember thinking, “Lord, what in the world do I have to offer?  I have no business representing you right now!”  The speaking topic was "Jesus as the High Priest" during my research, I was reminded of the tabernacle and how the altar of sacrifice was set up – with horns on each corner.  The details had seemed incidental until then, but that morning, as I sat with God in preparation, those horns were all I could see.  My heart cried, “OH thank God for those horns!  No wonder they are there!  If it were not for those corners anchoring me down right now, I would hop off this place of sacrifice and be all the more glad!”...but not really.  I had reached a place where I could no longer enjoy the old wineskins that I once inhabited.  In fact nothing felt comfortable at the moment.  I couldn't go back and I did not see well enough to go forward; staying put seemed my only option.  Jesus, now the Great High Priest, stayed put too.  He never backed away from the cross.  He stayed through horrific circumstances and mockery.  HE. STAYED.  And because he stayed, his life is now available to us. The Sacrificial Lamb, was becoming my strength…in a weird way, “staying” was the only witness or testimony I had and that was just fine. 

However, circumstances were evoking reactions in me much like yeast interacts with sugars in the grape juice as it ferments.  Sin in me encountered sin in others and we crashed! Like little whirlwinds, it created stirs everywhere.  As the energy rose from the disruptions, my "fermentation" continued with involuntary response. As I worked to address my heart-the place from which these broken responses came-God began to change me.  This always takes longer than desired.  God has a much different timetable than we do and for good reason. 

 Sometimes wine makers try and speed up the process of fermentation by adding sugar to the wine. I wanted to add “sugars” to this soul-process too.  Things like blame sounded attractive because it would take the pressure off me and allow me to deflect the issue onto someone else.  At times I wanted to add a little “sugar coating” to what I saw in myself by giving it a nice spin of excuses or explanations.  The problem is that when sugar is added to fermentation it actually ends up slowing down the process because it can suspend what is already naturally occurring, then,  when the wine is poured and tasted, the flavors are "off".  When we choose to deflect or excuse our condition we slow down and suspend God’s formative work in us causing our "soul flavors" to be off ...perhaps becoming a little sour or bitter.  Staying in it and allowing the process to take place at the right temp and speed would allow for balanced soul-flavors - flavors that offer charitable compassion towards our self and others.   That's when we can "Taste and see that the Lord is good!"

So I began to name and own what was real.  It was hard and still is, but shackles fell as I did it.  I was not yet free but something was loosening up and as I encountered God's grace, the air didn't seem so thick around me.  Living with honesty became the oxygen that I needed to stay in the process…and I was beginning to wonder if this place on the altar was right and good after all….maybe.

The Crush

a continuation from previous posts....

"From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” – Luke 6:45

 When grapes are harvested they go through a process called crushing.  That’s when grapes are picked and crushed, allowing the juice to be collected.  As this season of silence continued on with God, there was introduced within me a “Crushing”. 

Through various circumstances that seemed to pile pain upon pain, God was allowing a weight to press into my soul like a mighty crush.  My heart felt like it was in a vice-grip! It was inescapable and remarkably difficult.  I wanted to run far, far away from this slow, methodical pressing.  As soon as one circumstance would give way, another would roll in without mercy.  Many of the circumstances that offered such renderings involve other people and as such, I cannot disclose many details.  Suffice it to say that there was a significant loss of friendship, reputation, and...well... pride.  Combine that with four years of intense insomnia, the passing of several loved ones, and a marriage  that was feeling the strain of it all (Much of these dynamics were shared experiences with my husband.) and you have for one fierce crushing!  I suppose many of you reading this have experienced something similar at times. 

When grapes are crushed usually parts of the leaves and stem are mixed in.  That means it's messy and not very pretty.  It takes a while to get “pure” juice, and by “pure” I mean the flavors are balanced and allow for some of the other elements to remain.  At first I did not like the juices that began to flow from this crush.  They were sour and full of sediment, but Psalm 51:17 gave me hope.

“My sacrifice, oh God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

I had to learn to trust that in this broken place - stems, leaves and all, God was accepting me. It was actually "more pure" to let the sediment flow to the surface.  Something tender and endearing happened as I embraced the sediment.  They were the remnants of something once loved...now shattered. It was "sacred-sediment" ...Only a fierce crush could pour forth such a response, because until then we don't pay much regard to our broken places and we believe we can manage them fairly well and keep them hidden.  Crushes force the hidden to the surface and sediment seemed to spew forth from me like a timed sprinkler!  I was often caught off-guard by my responses or thoughts.  Where was all this coming from?  As I was pressed and crushed one thing became clear...the only thing that can come from a grape are the juices that are held within.  “From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”...

As my heart poured forth in unrestrained words and thought God was near.  He held every prickly stem and bitter seed that made itself known.  He gathered my tears and carried my sorrow.  I can't honestly say I believed it at the time, but looking back I know it is true.

Martin Marty said,

“Brokenness and wounding do not occur in order to break human dignity but to open the heart so God can act.”

Through this fierce "crushing", God was opening my heart...

 

 

Water-stressed!

I am the vine, you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you can bear much fruit.  Apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:1

a continuation of the previous blogs....

 

Since we’ve been on the subject of wineskins… Did you know that water depravation is actually crucial for a wine grape to grow well?  That’s right, in order for a grapevine to produce good and robust fruit that is preferable for wine, it must go without its most precious resource for a while – water.  Specifically for red  wines, mild water-stress is critical in reducing berry size and making the vine switch from growth mode (more shoots and vines) to reproduction mode (more concentration, color, and flavor).

So to continue on in this "desert-journey" story, in a very real sense, God was water-stressing my soul.   On the outside, I looked a bit normal and mundane.  It seemed nothing was happening.  But in reality something on a “microscopic-soul” level was changing.  It was all in response to God’s quiet, still, and at times, seemingly dismissive presence.  I strained toward him much like a grapevine may strain under the soil for water. Sure I was angry but desperation drove me to run after him in new ways…even if it meant shaking my fist at him along the way. 

God was teaching me to hear his voice, to lean in and listen carefully.  There were so many other loud voices that distinguishing his whisper above the crowds holler was near impossible! (John chapter 10) “Shh…be still.”  He seemed to say.  Now I have to admit I did not respond well to his initial attempt at an intimate encounter.  “Don’t ‘shush’ me!”  My soul seemed to say.   “SHOW UP!”  I often hollered in response.   Even in the strain of my wearisome demand, God was working. This discontented sheep was learning to hear her Shepherd's voice. 

He was accompanying me as the false-fires of my heart began to extinguish.  Some of those false-fires did not go out easily.   Like my preoccupation with wanting people to like me in order to feel valuable.  I think I had learned to search for God's voice through the dependency of others opinions.  That was a tough one and I still have to catch the upstarts on occasion...but we will talk more about false-fires another time.  Suffice it to say, God was teaching me through the pain of gossip and slander that while those words hurt, they have no power to define me.  Only my Redeemer can do that.  I am his beloved and so are you!

Sitting in the pain of hurt and disappointment with others and with God was paradoxically scary and life-giving all at once.  I prayerfully brought my hurting heart to a God that I was not sure would even show up.  I didn't know what to expect and I was surprised to find Him there.  As 2 Samuel 22 says, “My cry brought me right into his presence ...and I found myself safe, surprised to be love.”  Something about this paradoxical season was changing me.  In the deeper recesses of my being, I was learning to believe God-even when he showed little sign of himself.  Hebrews speaks of angels fanning the flame of God’s servants and I think there were angels faithfully fanning the soul-flame in me as I lingered between frequent, bitter despair and occasioned hope.  One morning during worship at church I was sitting silent as people sang.  (It was lent and fasting from singing seemed appropriate since my personal theme seemed to be ‘silence’ that year. And frankly, I didn’t feel like singing much) So I sat as the worship team sang “Still”

“Find Rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm…

…Father you are the King over the flood

I will be still and know you are God”

 As I heard these lyrics, God gave me a vision of angels just above me where I sat, fanning my soul with their wings as they hovered in quiet presence.  I didn’t need to DO anything but sit and receive the ministry of His holy hovering.  There were no requirements to BE in a certain frame of mind or heart.  I just plain sat with Jesus, withered and silent. 

And somewhere, Somehow, I was changing.  I was moving from being someone who had to outwardly produce visible growth (shoots and leaves) to something different…God was building in me the quiet trust that was needed for robust flavor, intense color, and “living water” concentration-type fruit.  Fruit that could one day offer to the world… a drink.

Wineskins

“No one pours new wine into old wineskins.  Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined.  No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.” – Mark 2:22

 Continuation from the previous post…

So I asked God, is there anything better than this life I'm living right now?  He said, Yes and that’s when the journey began!  He started by bringing my attention to Jesus’ words about wineskins.  This old-wine way in which I was living had to change.  It wasn’t working anymore – at least not very well.  I was usually stressed trying to keep a pace I could not keep.  I worried about tiny little things that felt big but mattered little!  There was a point when sleeping pills and anti-depressants seemed the best viable option.  Something was wrong.  Where was the abundant Joy promised in John 10:10?  If his burden was easy and his yoke light, why didn’t it feel that way? 

Like Abraham, Moses, Rahab, the disciples,...and maybe you,... God was inviting me out of the familiar way in which I lived into a new way of living; and it began with the whisperings of wineskins.   God was going to do something new.  He was going to pour his NEW wine into me.  But to do so meant letting the old wineskins go so he could establish new wineskins, ones capable of holding what he was about to pour forth.  It’s such a grand idea, right?  Yes indeed!   But wine skins don’t go away very easily.

 I grew accustom to these familiar vessels called "life habits".  For instance, to deal with my compulsion to worry I had to shift where I placed my trust; which meant moving it from circumstances to the goodness of God. Sure my intellect agreed God was good, but apparently the rest of me covertly rebelled against the idea because I usually blamed God when the circumstances weren't good.  Now you would think at this point God would come in like a knight-in-shining-armor, sweep me up and reassure me he is indeed the good hero I longed for him to be.  That is not what he did.  Instead he went silent. 

 There was a cold stillness that came upon me, the likes of which I had not known before.   It rolled in like a storm off the coast and brought with it a shadowing-cloud darkness.  I begged God to show up and bring the light of his presence.  I cried out to him but his answer seemed nowhere.  How could God be so cruel? Hadn’t I turned to him? Hadn’t I agreed with him to take this journey?  I longed to companion with him and he was gone.  Here is a journal entry from that time.


November 8, 2009 -
"Lord, how am I supposed to 'be still and know you are God like this?  When I am still you are silent.  You've said, 'Seek me and find me when you have sought me with your whole heart' Well here I am!  - Sitting in this place waiting for you - It's pathetic really.  Here I sit waiting for a God who never shows up, who sits on His throne mocking this little creature that waits.  I've been had!  Oh the time I've wasted looking for you!  Others have asked, 'Where is your God?' and I would say, 'Oh He's here ...just hard to see.'  I sounded like a child giving credence to her imaginary friend!  I don't really want to drive a stake in the ground regarding your absence but you are leaving me with little choice!  How I long to be found, to be seen by you and know you more.  Love is not dismissive - yet here I sit, dismissed by you....If you are who you say you are then SHOW UP PLEASE!  If I don't hear from you, I'll know where we stand.  Goodbye."

I felt so abandoned!  Though I took comfort in the fact that Jesus had a similar cry (though much less wordy and perhaps more respectful), when at the cross He cried out “My God, my God!  Why have you forsaken me?”  There’s a terrific tempest that enters the soul as God goes silent and I did not see right away that, though silent, God was indeed quite present.  His pathway was leading through the sea, his way was through the mighty waters though, at the time, I could not see his footprints (Ps 77:19.) 

This wineskin of trusting my circumstances in order to experience and believe God’s love and goodness, was being shed in the storm.

What I know is that even when I could not feel His nearness, He was near. He tethered me in the storm and kept me close.

More next time….